Therapy
by munchkinjenny05
Summary: AU-Quinn and Rachel used to date. They broke up and Quinn can't forgive herself. She's spiralling out of control. Can therapy help her come to terms with her mistakes and find a way back to the love of her life or is it too late?
1. Walking travesty

"_**A handful of moments, I wished I could change and a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade.**___

_**Give me a therapy, I'm a walking travesty, but I'm smiling at everything."**_

**Usual disclaimer, you know I don't own Glee.**

**I got the idea for this fic from this video: .com/watch?v=qL_nxmg6-5o but I'm going my own way with it. **

**It's all mine though, that goes for the mistakes too.**

Quinn exhaled deeply counting down the seconds. She willed the hands of the clock to move faster, never before had 30 minutes felt like an eternity.

"It's your time you are wasting Quinn. You agreed to attend these sessions. I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

Quinn rolled her eyes. She wanted a cigarette desperately. That was the only help she needed, the chemical kind. It hadn't been her idea to come here at all. Her mother had insisted. She was already freaked out by how angry her daughter had become. She said over and over how she didn't recognise Quinn anymore, ranting until the words lost all meaning, bleeding into each other. One day in the summer Quinn had enough. She made sure that she looked nothing like her old self. The pink hair and the nose ring had certainly made the desired impact; her mother left her alone, giving her up for a lost cause.

Now it seemed the school was on her case. Principal Figgins was finally threatening to suspend her after she got caught fighting and smoking in the girl's bathroom for the fourth time in a week. This was her last chance, they had told her in no uncertain terms, go to therapy or get out. _Maybe I should have let expel me_.

Anything was better than walking the halls everyday seeing that face, hearing that familiar voice. Quinn groaned. This was getting her nowhere; she promised herself that she wouldn't think about Rachel Berry anymore. That was over. She had nothing to lose now and that was the way she liked it.

"Quinn why don't you start by telling you why you think you're here? What do you hope to get out of therapy?"

Always the same tired questions. She wondered if adults ever actually heard themselves speak. _Fine, I'll play along_ she thought _only because I'm bored. _"I'm officially off the rails. I'm here because they don't know what else to do with me." She eyed the doctor, waiting to see if she had taken the bait. She anticipated the next question before it was asked. _How does that make me feel? I feel nothing. _

"And how does that make you feel?" Quinn snorted. _So predictable. _

"Ask around, they'll all tell you. Quinn Fabray doesn't feel anything anymore."

"Why is that?"

Quinn wasn't listening. It was Rachel's voice she heard instead. "_You promised you'd never break up with me!"_ Tears had been streaming down her face as she shrieked after Quinn, not caring who was listening. Quinn shook the memory away.

"Quinn I asked you why you think you don't feel anything anymore?" The doctor paused. "Where did you go just now? What were you thinking about?"

Quinn smiled. "Time's up Doc. It's been delightful. See you next week."

She walked fast out of the building, ignoring the slight shake of her hand. She was just craving a cigarette that's all it was. Nothing else, certainly not the memory of Rachel Berry, she was over that. Quinn lit up, inhaling deeply, feeling the smoke fill her lungs. Nobody told you how calming smoking was, how soothing. _They should put that in the ads. _She chuckled, feeling more normal instantly. A car horn honked and she took a long drag before snubbing out ruefully. _Time to go home and spend another fabulous evening with Mommy Dearest, I can't wait._

The car ride was awkwardly silent as ever. Judy Fabray had given up trying to communicate with her daughter. That was fine by Quinn, it was easier that way anyway. It meant she didn't have to lie or pretend to be something she wasn't. She reclined in the passenger seat, shutting her eyes. She was tired all the time now. She didn't sleep much and the pills she had been prescribed didn't help much. The dreams were the worst. Generally she could shut out the thoughts when she was awake but when she was asleep she had no control. It hit her over and over again, a rush of memories, images and sounds. She could feel them now, lurking behind her eyes.

_Stop! STOP FUCKING STOP!_

She was only aware that she had spoken aloud when her mother screeched to a halt, staring at her. _I'm losing it._ She got out of the car, taking deep breaths. The vomit burst out in a stringy rush, mostly bile. She hadn't eaten much today. She was vaguely aware of her mother at her side, rubbing her back. She shrugged the touch away.

It was too late though, the sensation triggered something. _Rachel in bed drawing shapes on her naked back, giggling as she spelt out R loves Q. _Quinn retched painfully into the road once more. She wiped her mouth on her sleeve and got back into the car. Her mother glanced at her before starting the car wordlessly. Quinn thought she saw pity in her eyes; she looked away, fixing her gaze on the trees going past through the window. She wouldn't be pitied, certainly not by someone as pathetic as her mother. _ I'm fine._

As soon as she got home she retreated to the isolation of her bedroom. She turned up the stereo as loud as her pounding head would bear. Her phone buzzed sometime later, she'd been idly blowing smoke rings out of the window, wondering how many brain cells a single cigarette could kill, there were so memories to wipe away. She glanced at the message, mostly disinterested, hardly anyone text her these days anyway.

_Shit! _ She had almost forgotten the party tonight. She got changed quickly, reapplying yet another layer of thick black eyeliner. She surveyed her reflection in the mirror and fixed her cold stare in place. It was her default expression these days and Quinn Fabray had a reputation to maintain.

The party was the usual gathering of freaks and outsiders, these delinquents and misfits were her kind now and she made herself comfortable. It mattered little that she didn't know most of them or that she wasn't entirely sure whose house this was. She was looking for oblivion and she could find it here. Quinn didn't dance and she didn't hook up. She was in the corner alone, where she could always be found at these gatherings, for those who cared to look, nursing a bottle and smokes. When the alcohol was gone, so was she. That's how it went, she didn't speak to anyone and they mostly knew to leave her alone. Those who didn't learned fast.

"Quinn!" She had stumbled in and in her drunken stupor she had knocked over the lamp in the hall. Quinn laughed, it really was hideous, if anything, she had improved it.

"Hey Mommy! Ooops did I wake you? Terribly sorry." Her distain was spoilt only slightly by the slurring of her words.

"Quinnie, you need to stop this please. You're killing yourself."

"Don't call me that." She barged past her mother and vaulted up the stairs quickly. She was in no mood for the concerned mother act. Even when drunk, her bullshit detector was fully operational.

She collapsed onto her bed, grateful at least that tonight dreams wouldn't come. It was a small victory, but she'd take it, and it was definitely worth headache that would plague her tomorrow. She wondered briefly if she could get away with skipping school before closing her eyes and letting sleep take her.

Her mother elbowed her way into her room, causing her, even in her hung-over state to consider finding something to barricade the door in future. The woman was bleating at her to get up, something about her being on her last warning regarding attendance. Not because she cared of course, but because of how it would look. She was already losing credibility with the PTA for not being able to control her own daughter. Judy Fabray was a keen member of the school board alongside other organisations and nothing could jeopardise that. Quinn sighed, getting up. She let her mother think she had won; after all she could sleep at school anyway, _no big deal._

School, much like everything else, was easy to control. At the start of the school year everyone had been surprised by her transformation and the way she had drifted over the summer, avoiding them all. At first they tried to reach out to her, find out if the old Quinn was still in there. A few brave souls had even tried to talk to her about Rachel, in the guise of comforting or commiserating with her. It had been obvious to Quinn that they only cared for gossip and she quickly distanced herself, ignoring or downright insulting them until they got the hint that she wanted to be left alone.

Walking the halls now, a few weeks into the term everyone pretty much avoided her. She kept her head held high and her shades on anyway, just in case. Today, like any other was about not letting on how terrible she felt. She slept through most of her morning classes, thankfully untroubled by dreams. Everything was going alright until Spanish class. Rachel was in there. Quinn took a seat at the back, as far away as she could, but unfortunately that meant that she couldn't avoid fixing her gaze on the back of the girl's head all period, staring at her silky dark brown locks. That would have been torture enough, being forced to look and not touch. Quinn longed to run her fingers through that hair again, not that she would ever admit such a thing. To make matters even worse Finn was in that class too, which meant watching them flirt all period.

_There is nothing going on between Finn and me. He's just a friend; we're working on our duet that's all. _That's what she had said, but it certainly hadn't taken her long to fall into his arms. Sure she had been jealous and suspicious but she had reason to be. She could see his motives from a mile off; he was all over Rachel and she was her girlfriend. Quinn stopped herself, it was past tense. She didn't care anymore.

She heard Rachel giggle, imagined her smiling and laughing at whatever lame joke Finn had just told. This was too much; it was making her headache worse. _Fuck this. _She thought. She got up from her seat.

"Quinn Fabray, where are you going?" She shrugged and carried on walking. She didn't stop to see if Rachel had looked up.

Once in the girl's bathroom she kicked open all the stalls to check she was alone. _All clear._ She slumped against the sink, trying to stop the tears. She didn't cry. What did it matter to her if someone else made Rachel Berry smile, or that she wasn't the reason for her laughter? _Get a grip _she told herself sharply. She took a deep breath and fixed her smudged make-up. Staring herself down in the mirror made her feel better, if she didn't know she would believe her own act. She had perfected the look of angry indifference so well that she could fool anyone.

Even here though, she couldn't hide from her memories. She touched her hair remembering how the brunette had lovingly washed the Slushy residue from her tresses; Quinn had been trying not to cry, much like she was now, looking in the mirror. She had never been slushied before and she was horrified, but Rachel cracked a joke, making her smile. She had been a dab hand at laughing in the face of this humiliating ritual. _Stop it. _She warned herself. It did her no good to think like this. Rachel was lost to her now; she needed to forget about it.

Just then, someone entered the Bathroom. Quinn shot them an angry glare and stormed out, secretly grateful of the chance to break free from her thoughts. She didn't fancy going back to class so she wondered aimlessly for a while before finding her way to her usual hid-out.

The usual crew occupied the space under the bleachers. Quinn nodded at them grudgingly; this gang of girls were the closest thing she had to friends. They glanced at her sunglasses, grinning; they had been at the party too. They understood. One girl held out a lighter unasked and Quinn accepted the offer happily. This was the kind of communication she liked. No-one was trying to get her to open up about her feelings, she didn't even have to say one word if she didn't want to. As a result she spent large amounts of her day here. No-one looked for her. This was the dwelling of the undesirables and Quinn Fabray belonged now.


	2. Tainted lately

**Usual disclaimer, you know I don't own Glee. A girl can dream though right?**

**I like to start each chapter with a lyric. Don't know why, it just helps me get in the frame of mind, so indulge me.**

**In my usual style I am deviating from my original inspiration for the story. I hope you guys like my spin on things, it's a lot gayer lol.**

**Some things you need to know about the universe of this story: 1. Quinn has always known she was gay. She's never doubted it, and hasn't dated any of the boys. So of course Beth doesn't exist.**

**2. Quinn and Santana have been best friends since they were like 9 years old. **

**Like? Read on...**

_**"All of my dreams, tear at the seams. Frayed, all over the place. Procrastination baby, I had it tainted lately."**_

It didn't take long for the therapist to note her that Quinn's appearance was even more dishevelled than usual. She gestured to the darkening bruise that was rapidly spreading to embellish her right eye. It had begun to swell. _So what?_

"So I see you haven't been heeding your warnings from the school, who was the lucky girl this time?"

"Lucky punch that's all." Quinn muttered, ignoring the question. She didn't want to talk about this morning.

If this was the only reaction she could get from her former best friend she would take it. _Better to be hated than ignored. _At least she still felt something; at least Quinn could get a reaction from Santana. Rachel moved through the school without acknowledging her ex girlfriend's presence. She may as well be invisible.

They hadn't even spoken since the first day of school. Rachel's words _"I'm sad to see you like this" _replayed in her head constantly. She had retaliated with something angry, not what she had really wanted to say, and promptly fled under the bleachers. It had just been such a shock to be faced with the girl. Quinn had been imagining the scenario all summer, but suddenly she was thrown. Rachel looked fine, she wasn't broken at all. _Had Rachel really gotten over their break up so easily? Had she meant so little to her?_

All this had been weighing on her mind as she walked to her locker. The dreams had been intense last night and she was distracted. Her arm had clipped the baby cheerleader absently. She barely registered the contact until the baby cheerleader shrieked. She didn't recognise the girl; she must be a new addition to the squad. Whatever, whoever she was, she was going to regret this.

"The loser touched me!" The girl had attempted to shove her into the bank of lockers. Quinn moved to shut the girl's mouth, tempted to tear the blonde ponytail from her skull. Before she could act, Santana stepped forward, blocking her target.

"Watch it freak." She snarled.

Quinn directed her best icy stare on the head cheerleader and the girl's bravado crumbled slightly. _Be careful I know all your secrets_, Quinn's eyes warned. She smiled, a sweetly exaggerated grin, arching her fingers and thumbs into the shape of a heart. She waved this symbol inches from Santana's face with a gleeful wink. The Latina blushed, no doubt remembering the last time they had been in such close proximity to each other. To further emphasise her point, Quinn waggled her tongue suggestively, savouring the embarrassment it caused the other girl. She had claimed the power back.

"Bitch." Santana mumbled looking away. She began to walk off, but Quinn wasn't finished, she wanted to fully humiliate her. _Why shouldn't everyone feel as bad as she did?_

"Hey, Santana!" She called, waiting for the group of cheerleaders to turn around as she knew they would. "So, I'm single now, you're not seeing anyone, let me know when you're up for another taste!"

Her words delivered the desired blow. It wasn't that she wanted a repeat of what had happened, the sex hadn't even been that good. It wasn't like when she made love to Rachel, there was no tenderness or exploring of each other's bodies. It was over fast, frantic, hurried and almost rough. They hadn't even kissed properly; Quinn could remember forcing her tongue into Santana's open mouth only once before she was pulling at her clothes. But then, it hadn't been about romance for her, had it? Santana had simply been there. She was upset about having yet another fight with Rachel. Things had started out innocently enough, with Santana comforting her, as she always did when her best friend was upset.

What hurt the most was knowing that if Quinn had taken a moment to stop and think, none of this would have happened, but she hadn't. Santana wasn't complicated, she didn't mess with her head like Rachel did, and Quinn knew that the cheerleader had a crush on her. She had just wanted to feel desired for a second, get back at Rachel for her standoffishness, she hadn't meant for things to go that far. Now she had lost the two people she cared about the most. So now, she had to hurt them, so that they would think she wasn't crushed, that she didn't hate herself every second of every day for what she had lost. It was better for them to believe she enjoyed all of this; it was the general consensus around school anyway. The graffiti in the bathrooms told her so. Let them all accept it as true if they liked. _Quinn Fabray was a dyke slut. She ruined lives, it would have been better if she'd never been born._

It occurred to Quinn that the counsellor was likely still rattling off inane questions, hoping to get her to reveal her injuries at the very least. "It was Santana alright!" She blurted furiously. It was all so frustrating. She just wanted the woman to shut up, give her a second of peace. What with her incessant chatter and all of the thoughts and feelings clambering for dominance inside her, Quinn just wanted silence. She needed to get out of here.

"Santana Lopez? Your mother tells me you used to be best friends." The therapist paused. "Does it upset you that I discuss things with your mom?"

Quinn shrugged. To be honest, she was glad. _Let this old bag talk to her mother, it saved her a job after all. _Conversations never exactly flowed freely in the Fabray house, and that had little changed since her dad left. She still didn't entirely know how to feel about his departure, he wasn't particularly going out of his way to win any father of the year trophies before this, and now he was just gone.

"So with Santana, what changed? Your mom said you were like sisters."

_I fucked her. _Quinn thought. She didn't say it though; it was none of this woman's business. Once she opened that Pandora's Box, the therapist wouldn't be able to leave it alone. It was private. She didn't need to be psychoanalysed, thank you Doctor Freud. _Doctor Fraud more like, it was all nonsense anyway. _

Instead she said. "I don't want to talk about it."

"So, what do you want to talk about Quinn?"

"Did you know that if Barbie were a real person, she would be 6' 0", weigh 100 lbs., and wear a size 4. Her measurements would be 39"/19"/33". Isn't that insane? This is a toy we give girls to play with. Santana and I used to love playing Barbie dolls together. She joked that she always knew I was gay because while hers were setting up home with Ken, mine were marrying each other and living happily ever after together in the Beach house."

_Whoa where had that come from? _Quinn smiled at the memory, but it was tinged with sadness. She absolutely refused to cry now, here in the room, in front of this stranger. She took several deep breaths, keeping her gaze fixed on the scene outside the window. It was a grey day, it looked like rain. That transported her back, to that day, her greatest mistake, always at the forefront of her mind.

_She had run, the rain soaking her hair and clothes. It didn't matter; she didn't feel the cold seeping into her skin. She felt nothing but acute despair. She had cried and cried, thinking of Santana who she had abandoned in the choir room, and Rachel would was no doubt looking for her, seeking to apologise at the very same instant that she was tearing off the cheerleader's clothes. It changed nothing; she didn't feel any better for letting the tears escape. Crying didn't solve anything._

She wouldn't do it now either. In spite of her resolve, a single teardrop rolled down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly, livid with herself.

"I can help you Quinn, if let me."

_Nobody can help me. _She sat in silence, her legs folded around her. She took out her phone, eager to feign disinterest. She had almost unravelled again today, she needed to maintain distance. _I can't let this woman get inside my head. _ The therapist excused herself for a moment, and Quinn took out her cigarettes, maybe she could manage to just sneak one. Unfortunately the packet was empty and crushing disappointment followed. She was tempted to leave, go buy more and smoke them all if necessary, whatever it took to get herself back under control. Before she could move, the shrink was back.

Quinn was forced to content herself by keeping her hands busy filling with the cardboard. She flattened it, working to fold it how she had been taught. It was relaxing, in its own way, not as much as a smoke would have been, but calming nonetheless. When she was finished, she left the model on the desk, clock watching again. She seemed to wish her life away in here, wanting time to go faster.

"Did you know that legend says that anyone who folds one thousand paper cranes will have their heart's desire come true?"

Quinn glanced at the flimsy folded paper. She had heard this story, but it hadn't crossed her mind while she was working. It was stupid. It would take more than a few bits of paper to fix everything that was wrong with her heart. She didn't dare to desire anything anymore. She didn't allow herself to, it was not only painful it was hopeless. She'd had her heart's desire already and she'd blown it. Not that she would tell the shrink that. So, now other than being able to make a few cheerleaders cry, she wanted nothing out of her day, just keen to survive it.


	3. Keep it between friends

**Usual disclaimer, you know I don't own Glee. **

**I like to start each chapter with a lyric. Don't know why, it just helps me get in the frame of mind, so sue me LOL.**

**I've added some Quinn/Puck interaction because they are the only cannon couple on the show that I like. I'm even getting sick of Kurt/Blaine now. **

**Thanks for your reviews, I don't need applause to live, like Rachel Berry and Tinker Bell, but it's still nice to know that you guys are enjoying it. **

"_**Tell you the truth, I hate what didn't kill me, it never made me stronger at all. I wanna hold your heart in both hands. I'll watch it fizzle at the bottom of a Coke can."**_

Quinn woke up to the sound of the slap, skin connecting with skin. She touched her eye with a jolt. It had been almost a week since her fight with Santana, yet her dreams wouldn't let her forget. The marks had faded gradually, but the memories weren't nearly so obliging. Quinn had initially been proud of how easily she had completely dismantled the girl with just a few skilfully aimed taunts. It had been satisfying at the time to see her lose control, a pristine Cheerleader with a high pony, flailing like an animal. Now though, she just felt bad. At least it was preferable to the emptiness that she usually felt.

The causes of the dreams were obvious; she didn't need a shrink to spell that out. Knowing didn't make them any easier to cope with though. It was simple; Quinn didn't have the external pain of her eye to distract her, so her internal anguish flourished again, manifesting itself as she slept. What people didn't seem to grasp, was that this was the reason is why she got into so many fights, so that she could feel something, any other sensation that was different to the ones that normally beset her. Her mum had so little understanding of this that she grounded her daughter when she came home, only serving to make things worse for Quinn. Normally this wouldn't have bothered her, but her mother was getting wise to her ways and had put a new lock on the window. Since she couldn't sneak out at night, there was no way of blocking out the torrent of dreams and thoughts.

The pills were beyond useless and so she had been thinking a lot about Santana lately, more than Rachel in fact. This was hardly surprising since around 95% of her childhood memories contained the Latina. They had been inseparable, doing dance classes, gymnastics and finally when they were old enough, cheerleading together. It was worth noting that it had been them who had joined Glee together too, before Rachel Berry was even on her radar. She had no choice at the moment, stuck in her room, but to feel the extent of the loss acutely. Sure, they had drifted apart slightly with the introduction of relationships and other friendships, but Santana was always in her peripheral vision, never far away.

The problem wasn't distance, at least not geographically, but they inhabited different worlds now. There was a gulf between them. Quinn couldn't help but resent her old friend, she hadn't lost anything, denting her reputation only slightly, whereas Quinn's life had totally spiralled out of control. It wasn't envy. Quinn couldn't cross back over into her old life, and she didn't want to, she was a different person these days. It just upset her that the cheerleader had it so easy.

Quinn on the other hand was tormented by loose ends of her old life, no matter how hard she tried not to, she couldn't stop. It all reminded her everyday of what she'd done, how far she had fallen. It wasn't that she missed it. She hadn't particularly enjoyed the cheerleading or the popularity. That was mainly window dressing anyway, what was expected of her, to gain social acceptance and Mckinley High and please her parents. She had gone along with it, to placate them, it was an unspoken agreement that they wouldn't interfere with her "lifestyle"(that was the word her father had used) provided she got on well at school, didn't cause trouble and got good grades. Singing was the only thing she really pined for. She missed the release of being able to sing out her feelings and how a good tune was able to change her mood. It wasn't a coincidence that she hadn't uttered a note since the break up. Her therapist would have a field day with that.

She had unsuccessfully tried to get her mom to remove her from therapy during her house arrest, but she wouldn't listen. She had tried to tell her how ridiculous it was, the bullshit the shrink tried to get her to do, but Judy Fabray had simply berated her for her bad language and nothing more was mentioned. _Way to prioritise mom_. She eventually relented and agreed to go to her appointment purely to get out of the house. Once she was out, her mum couldn't keep tabs on her.

It was that sheer desperation that drove her to a party in Lima Heights. It was a typical high school party, the kind of event that she wouldn't normally be seen dead at. _Desperate times call for desperate measures. _The need to get absolutely wasted outweighed any concerns about who she might run into. Rachel wouldn't be there at least, parties had never been her thing. _At least someone up there is on my side _she thought as she scanned the crowd and didn't encounter the familiar faces of any of her old friends.

The party was even duller than she knew it would be. The surroundings, the music and the faces all merged together. It was of no significance to Quinn. She barely paid any attention to anything other than the bottle in her hand. At some point, "The Mack" came and sat near to her. Quinn didn't mind, the girl didn't talk much and her intimidation kept people away. The blonde handed the other girl the bottle wordlessly and she, in turn, slid an unknown pill in Quinn's palm. With a smile that said _enjoy _she took a long drink from the bottle before placing it at Quinn's side and slipping back undetected into the crowd. _Why the hell not? _A bit of escape was just what she needed.

She was about to swallow the pill when she noticed someone walking towards her, instead she slid it into her pocket. _It can wait; after all, this is undoubtedly going to be a long night. _The boy heading in her direction was Noah Puckerman. _So much for not running into any of my old friends_ she thought. She sighed, he was a friend of Finn's but he was even closer to Rachel. In spite of their outward differences, he had grown fond of the brunette when he joined Glee and they remained close. This wasn't going to be pleasant. Involuntarily, her eyes hunted for the girl. She hated herself for her weakness.

"She isn't here."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Like I care." She muttered avoiding his eyes. _Cool it. _

"I'm not stupid Quinn; anyone can see you still love her."

She glared at him wishing she had taken the tablet; she was far too sober to deal whatever this was. "So what, are you staging a love intervention? Go away Puck."

"She's messed up too you know, can't you see, she needs you in her life."

_Like a hole in the head. Everything I touch turns to shit. _She could feel her anger rising now. "You don't know anything. Just leave me alone."

"It's not too late."

_Shut up, shut up, shut up. SHUT UP!_ _Why couldn't everyone just stay out of it?_

"Maybe I don't want her back! What day is it? Oh, today Rachel Berry likes boys, no wait, today she likes girls, or maybe it's both. Today she's not sure. I got sick of being her experiment okay! If you are so keen to get involved, you can tell her that from me."

With that, Quinn left Puck standing open-mouthed; she pushed her way through the writhing mass of dancing bodies. It was a mistake to come here. _Time to check out. _In a few minutes, this would all cease to matter. She eased the pill into her mouth, savouring the bitter taste on her tongue. _This night was about to get a whole lot better. _


	4. Give it all away

**Blah blah blah you all know the drill, Glee is not my creation...**

**So, my other faberry story is complete, meaning that I can now focus solely on this, which is exciting but kinda sad, I will miss that other world, but I am loving this story and glad I have more time for it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. **

"_**As we cling to the nightclub walls, we whisper the words, we whisper them wrong. So we screamed out the wrong words into our own song and with a kiss that tasted like drugs, which taste like we'll never ever make it home."**_

Quinn awoke suddenly. It was like in an instant, all the colour flooded back into the world, the full force of it hitting her eyeballs. Everything was too bright. She shut her eyes again immediately, only to be forced to open them again moments later. _I need to go to the bathroom_. The thought was urgent and impossible to ignore, so she tried to stretch her limbs, willing herself to move. Unfortunately, her body betrayed her. It was stiff and awkward and each movement resembled that of a puppet with tangled strings. She realised why quickly, she had been sleeping curled up on the bare floor. Quinn glanced around, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings as best as her muddled brain would allow. Her head was pounding. _I want to sleep. _

Suddenly all thoughts of sleep or her full bladder were forgotten, replaced by a more pressing notion. _I am not alone. _Her eyes fixed on the bed she had assumed was empty. She stared at the figure of a girl lying spread-eagled amongst the dirty sheets. For a moment her breath hitched as she noted the long dark brown hair. She scrabbled over to the bed, ignoring her uncooperative legs. She relaxed slightly as she realised this girl was too skinny, her complexion too pale. It occurred to her that this was worse; she had woken in a strange place with an unknown girl. A girl whose closed eyes she instinctively knew would be brown, the colour of chocolate. _What had happened last night? _

She couldn't remember a single thing after the sour taste flooded her mouth. It was all blank. Anxiously she looked down at herself, relieved that she wasn't naked. She pulled back the sheet carefully, observing that the sleeping girl was similarly dressed in underwear. So, it appeared that they hadn't had sex or at least she didn't think so. The idea was consoling, but it didn't last. Quinn cringed a little when her gaze fell onto the girl's exposed back. She was no longer so sure. The tattoo of a bird didn't interest her in the slightest, it was the marks beneath. Quinn's eyes flitted from the imprints to her own fingernails and back again. _What the hell did I do? _

She began to pace the room, anxiously trying to piece together any fragments of the night. There was nothing. Frustrated, she gathered up her clothes and tugged them on. She needed to get out of here. It was apparent to her that she had no idea how she had come to be in this place, but what was obvious was that she didn't want to be here when the owner, whoever they were, got back. On this occasion she would happily leave the explanations to someone else. Let the stranger in the bed deal with it. Quinn would just call her mom, beg a ride. It would be easy as soon as she figured out where she was, she could walk a while if she had to.

_Where's my phone?_ Her jacket was missing too. She hunted around more thoroughly, upturning the empty bottles and cans, checking behind each overflowing ashtray. The floor was sticky in patches and tried to grasp her unsteady feet. _I need to leave now._ Angrily she lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, coughing as the smoke irritated her dry throat. Quinn smiled only when she spotted the sad face scrawled on the magnolia wall. It was drawn in bright red lipstick, each stroke boldly exaggerated, like a child pressing down too firmly with a crayon. _Did I do that? _ She wondered briefly before passing into the bathroom. Her feet crunched loudly on broken glass, a few shards of the mirror still hung stubbornly to the wall. _Shit. This place really is trashed. _

She found her jacket abandoned on the stairs moments later. A quick inventory of her pockets revealed her cell phone was still tucked safely where she had left it. Quinn fired out a quick message to "The Mack". She wanted to know what pharmaceutical enrichment she had received last night. Subsequently, without waiting for a reply she dialled home and braced herself for the inevitable lecture that was coming her way.

"Do you have any idea how worried I've been? Of course you don't! I was up half the night waiting for you to come home. You are so irresponsible Quinn, you could have called."

Quinn tuned out. She didn't bother to reply. Instead, she shut her eyes allowing the car's monotonous rhythm to begin to lull her to sleep. She was so tired. _They should make those pills prescription _Quinn thought with a grin. The smile quickly evaporated, replaced by a grimace. Her words the previous night came flooding back to her, the reason she had sought nothingness in the form of a tiny pill. What she had said to Puck, about Rachel, she shouldn't had done that.

She was fully awake now. Yet another thing to repent, she was amassing a rather vast collection, an internal list of mistakes, holding them all to her chest. It was all she had now, a life of shadows and regrets. She sighed. More than anything she wished she was home, in her own bed with the blinds drawn and the stereo on. Her mother was still droning on in the driver's seat. A memory hit her then without warning; it was vivid, like a movie screen playing behind her eyes.

_Quinn was screaming. A popular song was playing. Everyone was dancing and singing along, but she was purposely shrieking incorrect lyrics, yelling them as loud as she could at the top of her lungs. A girl, Quinn recognised her instantly as the sleeping beauty in the bedroom, was laughing manically, flailing her arms. Quinn had kissed her then. She could feel the glisten of sweat that lightly coated her skin and taste the lingering saltiness on her lips. It hardly mattered. The girl's mouth tasted like bitter cherries. _

Quinn sat bolt upright, running a finger over her lips. She had felt the ghost of a kiss, tasted it. She felt sick. She was torn between her desperation to escape the car and her overwhelming desire to get home. She waited, fidgeting. She pulled at strand of her hair, a loose thread on her shoelace, anything to stop her mind wandering. Her phone buzzed, making her jump. Quinn read the message. _Just something from the medicine cabinet. _She switched off the phone and placed it back in her pocket. She no longer wanted to know what had happened last night. It was safer to be kept in the dark.

Her bed welcomed her the second she got home. Quinn didn't bother to shower or undress she just got straight in, burying herself under the blankets. She was reminded of when she was a child and she had hidden under the covers, convinced that there was a monster in her closet, flashlight in hand ready to banish the beast if it got too close._ I'm the monster now. There is no hiding from that. _

She had no idea how long she had lain there, when she emerged it was almost dark. She lit another cigarette watching the ember glow bright in the half-light. She wished she had woken later; it was too early for stars. She still found some joy in watching the sky, although she no longer believed in the power of shooting stars, she liked the feeling it gave her as she gazed up at the expanse of sky. It drove home the insignificance of all this. She could fuck up as much as she liked._ Live fast, die young. _All the stars would burn out eventually, like everything else, so what did it really matter?

Restless, she went to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee. Unluckily, her mother seized upon this as an opportunity to try and talk to her again. Quinn mind visibly tried to force the coffee machine to work faster.

"Quinn, I'm honestly at a loss as to what to do with you, you see intent on pressing self-destruct and your therapist says you refuse to talk. I'm at my wits end. I've called your father, you are going to go and stay with him for a few days."

"What about school?" Honestly Quinn could have cared less, but she wasn't relishing the idea of spending any time in the company of her father and his latest midlife crisis. His new girlfriend was barely out of college, the stereotypical bimbo type. Now she was being sent there to try and fix her problems. It was all such a cliché.

"Don't worry about that, it's all sorted. Pack some things; you're going in the morning. The cab is coming at 8 to pick you up."

_Great, _Quinn thought, _it's like I've stepped into a bad teen movie. _She rolled her eyes. At least she wouldn't have to face Puck or more importantly Rachel, after her outburst at the party. Her mom could always be counted on to palm her off onto someone else when things got tough, first the shrink, now her dad. For once, she was grateful. She needed time to construct her disjointed memories of last night and she was being given a chance to do that for once. She had to assemble the puzzle. That at least was one upside to her dysfunctional family.


	5. Suppose

**If Glee was owned by me, we wouldn't have to wait until November 1****st****.**

**Apologies for some Britishness that crept into the last chapter, I'm not American so may occasionally write "mum" etc. Forgive me.**

**Finally some Faberry interaction I hear you cry! Don't get too excited though, it's only short. This story is a slow burner and I like it that way. **

**Reviews are love, so thanks to those of you who take the time consistently, you know who you are.**

"_**My eyes are screaming for the sight of you and tonight I'm dreaming of all the things that we've been through.**__**Slow way down, this breakdown's eating me alive and I'm tired, this fight is fighting to survive."**_

As soon as the cab pulled up outside her dad's house, Quinn knew that this wasn't going to be the visit she had envisioned. There wasn't going to be any time alone with her fractured memories._ Not unless she did something and fast._ Her dad was waiting to meet her in the driveway with the bimbo in tow. It was clear that this was an old fashioned bonding experience, plain and simple. She cringed inwardly. _Why did he have to choose now to take an interest?_ The blame rested entirely at the feet of his latest girlfriend. Evidently, Amber or Clarissa or Tiffany or whatever her name was, liked to see her boyfriend play the daddy role. That was all well and good, but Quinn didn't know how long she could stomach this "hands on" approach. She wasn't 6 anymore. She had no desire to play happy families.

Quinn's patience lasted until mid-morning. It wasn't her fault. She had tried to be accommodating, at first, but they were everywhere she turned. _Prisoners get more freedom._ Thankfully, she knew the remedy. It was easy, her father was so simple to manipulate that it almost took the fun out of it. She simply turned on the Fabray charm. The girlfriend was like an excited puppy, so eager to please that she lapped up the attention. Quinn bit her tongue, swallowing down the barbed comments as Melissa, that was the girl's name apparently, simpered on and on about the cuteness of Quinn's hair. _Pink was her favorite color, there's a shocker. _

Only when she had misleadingly befriended the girl did Quinn allow her gaze to linger over her exposed midriff, as Melissa revealed her own teenage rebellion in the form of a belly button ring. She laughed but Quinn didn't join in. In its place, she made sure she leered for long enough that there was no doubt of her intentions, making her dad suitably uncomfortable. She continued in this vein for the rest of the day, flirting in a way that her father found impossible to ignore until things finally came to a head over dinner.

"Enough Quinn." Mr Fabray warned as he watched her deliberately standing close to his girlfriend. "You can stop now." He snapped angrily.

Quinn glanced at her father, feigning innocence. She made sure her voice sounded sickly sweet as the lies dripped from her like liquid honey. "Stop what daddy? I'm not doing anything. I'm just bonding with your girlfriend like you wanted. I thought you'd be pleased."

Her father glared at her icily. The look of his face said he wasn't falling for her games, that Russell Fabray knew exactly what his daughter was doing and he wasn't fooled. He was so smug about it that Quinn wanted to laugh; her dad was so convinced he had her all figured out and yet he continued to react in precisely the manner she had predicted.

Melissa caught his eye, confused by the harshness of his tone and the antagonism in his face. She had no idea of the battle raging between father and daughter. So of course, she had taken Quinn's side. Everything was being orchestrated perfectly. Quinn smiled and backed out of the room, her ears filled with the hum of an argument she had purposely caused. She had no desire to sit back and watch the fireworks; she had just wanted to create a rift. Now she had done so, she shut herself in her room. _Thank god for parents being so predictable _she thought as she slid the lock into place.

To Quinn's surprise, her father's reaction had been even stronger than she had dared to hope. He fell into a sullen silence after the row and was more than happy when Quinn managed to secure a taxi home days earlier than previously arranged. For the remainder of her trip; she spent all her time either in her room, or on the patio. Largely she was undisturbed, both adults suddenly finding their cleared schedules busy again. It suited Quinn, she found that she was able to remember large chunks of her drug fuelled night and for the most part, the recollections weren't too troubling. It appeared that she owed a lot to the side-effects of the pill, when combined with copious amounts of alcohol; the consequences were a loss of consciousness. That meant, according to "The Mack" she had passed out fairly early.

Quinn didn't care about that. All that mattered to her was that she didn't have sex with the unknown party girl. It wasn't that she was against casual sex in theory, although it was not an activity she had ever personally engaged in, it was just that she didn't understand how the sex could keep up the pretence of being casual for long. It seemed to her that every girl she had ever spoken to about it was incapable of separating the physical from the emotional. Things always got messy and feelings always became complicated. She couldn't deal with anymore drama right now. Quinn already had enough to contend with.

If her mother had any feelings about seeing her daughter on the doorstep, she didn't show them. Her face was blank as she carried the bags inside. Quinn assumed her dad must have phoned ahead. She mused briefly on all the ways that conversation could have gone. Had he simply sighed resignedly and handed her mother the baton of responsibility or did he whisper well-worn advice into the earpiece that he himself hadn't heeded? Maybe he had shouted, tried to shift the blame? Perhaps he had even cried? Her mom gave no inkling; she just set the bag down and made two cups of coffee without a word. Quinn believed that the first option was the most likely and she couldn't even bring herself to feel disappointed. It was want she had wanted after all.

_We aren't so different _Quinn conceded as she ladled spoonfuls of sugar into her mug. Her mother looked gaunt and she could relate. _I'm sorry. _She almost said it, imagined her mom's face as the words left her mouth. She couldn't make herself utter the phrase though. It wasn't true, and she didn't feel contrite. She couldn't offer her mom any comfort because she felt nothing close to remorse, at least not for her actions over the last few days. Those emotions were reserved for the real regrets, the ones that haunted her.

_I love you._ Quinn found herself with the 3 words on her lips, unsure if she had spoken them aloud upon waking. Familiar images of Rachel appeared in her mind as she sat up in bed, the blankets still pulled tight around her. She had no choice but to watch as, like a reel of film playing on a loop on her ceiling, her memories flowed. Each scene repeated in her head until it blurred and the colours melted into soft grey hues. This she was able to cope with, everything hazy with nothing solid to fixate on. Then, as if knowing these images were causing her only muted pain, her brain conjured up another recollection, this one crystal clear in detail, so that there was nowhere to hide.

_Quinn, her eyes closed, seeking shelter from the sun's rays. Suddenly she is totally aware of a shadow passing over her and she knows immediately that it is Rachel. She doesn't stir, just lets Rachel lean across her, moving to lightly kiss her eyelids. Even with her eyes shut Quinn can map every inch of the body on top of her. That gives her an unparalleled feeling of happiness. Her eyes flutter open and see Rachel silhouetted against the canopy of trees. I love you, she murmurs almost sleepily. _

The remembrance ended abruptly, leaving behind exquisite agony. The walk to school was long and tiring, but nonetheless welcomed. Quinn was grateful for the opportunity to be able to clear her head somewhat. _Get it together _each step advised.

"I'm sorry you are so sad Quinn." The well-known voice caught her off guard. Quinn assumed she was alone in the bathroom. _I should have checked._ She had been careless and this ambush was the price. Rachel continued."I care about you. We were always friends first. I hope that we can be again, when you're ready."

Quinn set her mask into place. She was determined not to reveal anything unintentional. She kept her voice angry, it was what Rachel has come to expect and it wasn't too difficult, the simplicity of the girl's olive branch had infuriated her. _How could they be friends as though none of this had happened? It wasn't that easy._

"Friends, is that what you want? Well okay, in that case, what about Finn?"

Rachel stared bewildered. This tact was not one she was prepared for. "Finn?"

Quinn smiled, making no attempts to hide either her cynicism or the sarcastic edge of her tone. "Yeah, friends tell each other about their crushes right? So go on, tell me, is he the one, is this for keeps? Come on; is it Rachel and Finn forever and ever, a fairytale ending?"

She moved towards the bathroom wall, eyeliner in hand. Her fingers gripped it hard. "I'll immortalise your love so there isn't any doubt. Would you like that, I mean, isn't that what friends do?" She turned back to the brunette, the grin gone. "Wait though, this is no good. It might not wash off. We can't have that; we both know how fickle you can be."

Quinn walked away, her sanctuary had been invaded and that meant there was only one place left. The bleachers would greet her like a long-lost friend. It was safe there. It took all of her self control not to run, especially when she heard the unmistakable cries behind her. _Oh no. Please no, _her mind begged, but it was too late. Realistically, what had she expected when she said those things? She had wanted to wound the girl hadn't she, stop her from reaching out. Quinn took no pleasure in her actions; it was just that she couldn't stand the kindness. It was better if Rachel hated her, despised her. Now that Rachel was crying though, it no longer seemed the easier course of action. The noise sent ripples through Quinn, she could forever distinguish that sound; she carried the echoes of it with her everywhere.


	6. Waging wars

**Okay guys here is the next chapter, see I told you I would focus on this. Speedy updates!**

**Thanks for the reviews and alerts etc. Means a lot that you all seem like where I'm going with this and want to read more. I aim to please.**

**If you are interested, the song Quinn is listening to is "The boy who blocked his own shot" by Brand new. It's a great song by an awesome band.**

**P.S If anyone wants to know the names of the songs in the intros to the chapters, you can message me.**

"_**If you're sleeping are you dreaming? If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me? I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head. They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed. Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you."**_

Quinn marched toward the bleachers. She longed to scream or cry, whichever came first, but she knew neither was an option. _Then they'll really think I'm crazy._ Instead she stared straight ahead, balling her fists and fighting to keep control.Suddenly she spotted short of her intended destination, gawping at an unexpected sight. _What is it with people lying in wait for me today, was nowhere safe? _The girl from the party was huddled amongst the usual trio. Quinn's friends. She was smiling and nursing a cigarette that had burned down almost to the filter, a long spidery trail of ash falling at her feet. Quinn cursed; she didn't need this right now, not when she was so wound up by her encounter with Rachel. She turned; meaning to retreat but the girl from the party acknowledged her presence with a small wave and strode to meet her.

"Quinn, isn't it? I thought it was you from the party. Not many chicks with pink hair in this joint. I don't know if you remember, you were pretty wasted. I'm Alexis. I've been looking for you."

"Well, you've found me." she replied, watching the girl suspiciously. "What do you want?" With a sober eye, Quinn could appreciate that Alexis was quite good-looking. She was wearing far too much make-up and everything about her general appearance screamed that she was trying too hard to be seen as alternative. Even down to the way she had styled her hair. Nevertheless, there was definite potential there. It crossed Quinn's mind to be curious what impression she was making, under the layers of hostility. What did she look like to this girl?

"Oh don't worry; I'm not looking to pick up where we left off. I was out of it, for sure, but even I could pick up on such obvious signals. A girl knows when she's not wanted. Whoever Rachel is, she's a very lucky girl. You didn't stop talking about her all night." Alexis smiled. "I just wanted to give you this back. It must have fallen off. I found it when I woke up and as soon as I clocked the engraving I knew you would want it back."

Quinn shuddered. Before Alexis had even reached into her pocket and pulled out the ring, Quinn had stretched out her arm to take what was hers. She didn't look at her finger, the place where it should be. It was hard to work out what bothered her more, the fact that she had seemingly become one of those sad girls who prattled on endlessly about an ex or that she had nearly lost something so important and hadn't even realised it was gone.

Quinn took a deep breath and tried keep the quiver out of her voice. "Thanks." She heard herself say, letting her feet carry her away without waiting to see if the conversation had ended. It was over for her, she was done.

She felt the cold metal bite into the warm flesh of her palm and quickly secured the ring back onto her left hand. Although she tried to fight it, she couldn't help but remember the day Rachel had given this gift to her. The brunette had joked as she presented it, calling the ring the key to Quinn's Chastity Belt. The blonde had laughed good-naturedly, letting Rachel put it on her and swearing earnestly never to take it off. Quinn meant it; she hadn't removed the ring even now. Many times she had been tempted and tried to let go, but she couldn't lose this. It wasn't just a token of love, it was a promise. Rachel had said that the ring was because she had chosen the cute blonde and this was the beginning of their forever. To still be wearing it, was her punishment. _The ring is my albatross_. Quinn deserved to feel the burden of the broken forever that she had caused. Even so, she couldn't bring herself to look at the engraving. There was no need; the words were etched all through her anyway. _**For Q, to a lifetime of fireworks. **_

Quinn walked without purpose. She couldn't face going home or sitting in an endless stream of classes that meant nothing. Eventually, she found herself on the steps of the counselling centre. She sat on the top step, drawing her knees up around her. The sky darkened with the threat of heavy rain. Quinn blew smoke rings and focused her attention on flicking the embers of her dying cigarette into a neat pile, trying to empty her mind. Today had been a train wreck. _What am I doing here?_ She knew she should leave, before someone saw her, but where was there to go. She put in her earphones and shut out the world. A song began, instantly filling the silence. Quinn just listened to the vocals, not singing along.

_If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. Hope you find out what you are; already know what I am and if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. You can tell me how vile I already know that I am. _

The lyrics summed up all her feelings. These constant reminders, her conversation in the bathroom with Rachel, it was killing her. She permitted herself to mentally speculate whether the brunette had simply dried her tears and gone back to class. Where was the girl now and was she suffering too? Or had Finn comforted her? Was Rachel smiling at him, happy as could be? Quinn turned the music up louder; she didn't want to think about that possibility.

_If it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits, or get a grip. _

"I do need to get a grip." Quinn muttered.

"Quinn?"

She spun round angrily. This was the third time today someone had caught her unawares. It was getting ridiculous. Quinn's nerves were shot. Projecting her annoyance she stood to face the shrink.

"Are you alright? We don't have a session scheduled for today, but I'm free right now if you need to talk. You are more than welcome to follow me to my office."

Quinn trotted along behind obediently. It had begun to rain and the sad truth was that she had nowhere else to go. She sighed, glad that there was no-one else around to see how pathetic she looked. The office was warm and cosy. Quinn settled into an overstuffed armchair and felt the chill leave her bones. Physically at least, she felt a little better.

"So Quinn, what made you come here today?"

"Rachel." The word was barely a sigh, no more audible than a soft inhalation of air, but the therapist heard it anyway. It was enough.

The doctor peered at her, her expression kind and understanding. "I see. Did something specific happen with Rachel today, did you interact with her at all?"

"We spoke." Quinn admitted. Quinn felt the tears come as she remembered how spiteful she had been, her words like a knife. _How can love be so fragile?_ She knew how.Their relationship was solid once, capable of lasting. Rachel had believed in them. They had been in love and the ring was proof of their commitment, the depth of their feelings. It was Quinn who had doubted. Quinn had shattered it all.

"What's wrong with me?"

"What makes you think there is something wrong with you?"

Quinn sighed. "There must be. I've hurt so many people. I ruin everything."

She sniffed loudly. She no longer uncomfortable about crying, let the woman see her tears, how broken she was. Better to do it here than at school or god forbid, in front of her mom. _It's just this once; it's been a hard day. I won't make a habit of it. _

"Everyone makes mistakes Quinn. You have to learn to forgive yourself."

_How can I? _She had been foolish to come here. It was a moment of weakness, but she wouldn't succumb again. She was on her own. The shrink couldn't help her. All she did was wheel out the same lines and spout identical clichés to everyone else. She didn't understand. Hugs and smiles were no comfort either. There was no way back, no band-aid for her heart or anyone else's for that matter. Kindness wouldn't appease anything, there was too much to undo. In fact, offering compassion was cruel, it only served to highlight that she didn't deserve it. It was obvious. She was irredeemable. Nobody could pull her back from the dark. The simple truth was that there was no fixing Quinn Fabray. It was too late. She could see that even if this doctor couldn't.

"I have to go." Quinn muttered.


	7. Place to place

**Seriously is it November yet? I need Glee!**

**Here is the next chapter. Lots of dialogue for once. Plus, some Finn Bashing and Faberry interaction, because those are my favourite things ever LOL. It's not fluff, but at least they are talking, it's a start.**

**Also, all credit for the last conversation, between Quinn and the guy at the party goes to Skins. It's not mine. It's just that it is one of my favourite quotes from the show, so I really wanted to use it. **

"_**I need the product of your fears in the form of tears. It's the only way I can survive. It breaks my heart to see you cry and baby, it's the only way I stay alive. You're tainted, I'm shaking. It's only a matter of time."**_

Wandering aimlessly without a destination in mind was becoming a habit. The rain was showing no sign of letting up and Quinn needed to seek shelter. The problem was she was rapidly running out of places to run to. She couldn't go home, her mom was there._ Where can I go?_ Eventually, Quinn's feet found the coffee shop instinctually and she slid into a booth. It was one of her old haunts; she would often come here after Cheerleading practice. It was hers alone. No memories of Rachel or Santana to contend with. Most importantly, the interior was warm and inviting, bustling with people with the similar need of refuge from the downpour. Quinn liked that, she could be anonymous.

"What can I get you honey?"

What Quinn really needed was a towel and nobody bugging her, but she ordered a coffee black with two sugars. She rubbed her hands together to stave off the cold, but it didn't work. The numbness was within her she realised, down to the core. She didn't fight it, at the moment this was better, she had been feeling too much, and ended up making things worse. She thought again of Rachel. The idea of Finn comforting her was too much to stomach. She imagined his hands all over her; the way he would be rubbing the small of her back in a consoling gesture until his mouth met hers. Quinn swallowed the jealousy and anguish that she had no right to feel anymore. She felt like she was choking._ This is my fault. All of this. _She had driven the brunette into his arms hadn't she?

The coffee arrived, startling her. She didn't want it anymore. It turned to acid in her mouth. She pulled at her napkin, tearing it into tiny pieces that fluttered over the tabletop. _Enough. _She left the booth and reached the school on auto pilot. Quinn looked over her shoulder at the puddles that she had left on the linoleum. It was an announcement of her intent. _Watch out, _those muddy footprints said, _Quinn Fabray is back. _She infused each stride with a boldness that she didn't feel. This was her armour.

"Quinn Fabray, my office now!" Principal Figgins yelled from the doorway.

_Busted. _Quinn plastered a fake smirk on her face. He shut the door and she used her obligatory icy stare to express her distaste. It was all so staged, so false. _Do your worst_ her eyes dared.

"As you are aware, this school does not have a revolving door policy. You can't swan in and out of your classes as you please. You are already on academic probation. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Quinn yawned, simulating boredom. "Sorry sir, therapist's orders." The lie came easily. "Can I go back to class now? I just want to learn."

"Watch your tone in here. I don't appreciate your attitude. Get back to class, but be advised, this is your last warning." _That's what you said last time _Quinn thought, but she didn't say anything. She did as she was told, leaving the principal scowling in her wake.

The teacher barely registered the interruption as she glided in and chose a desk near the front. Rachel shot her a look at the same time as she took a seat nearby, some barely discernible emotion passing over her face. Quinn ignored it. Figgin's words fresh in her mind, she would hold her fire, pick her moment. The confrontation could be stalled until there weren't so many witnesses. Quinn needed to speak to Finn alone._ Not yet. _Nevertheless, she couldn't resist snatching a glance at the boy. Unfortunately, he chose that moment to look up, returning the stare, he smirked. _Does he really have the audacity to look so smug? _Hatred flared, the smile was sufficient to injure her, but as though to further prove he'd won, he rested his hand over Rachel's.

"You're loving this aren't you?" She snarled loudly. "I get it; you enjoy flaunting your relationship in my face." She turned to Rachel then, her fury focused on the brunette. "I expected this from him, but you. You're better than this Rachel, better than this petty revenge game."

Rachel stood up, moving towards Quinn's desk. She leant over so that their gaze was level. It was as though there was nobody else in the room. The brunette sighed and when she spoke it was barely a whisper. "Stop this Quinn, please."

"You stop it. You have no idea."

"Don't I?" Rachel took a deep breath. "You are so...infuriating. I have no idea? Really, is that what you think? You are so selfish; you're not the authority on heartbreak, not the only one who gets to be in pain." She looked away sadly. "Finn isn't to blame for this, he's done nothing wrong."

_I'm sorry. I love you. I'm so sorry. I despise myself. _Those words wouldn't come. She was defending Finn. He had stolen Rachel and she had let him. _I hate him!_ The thought overtook all others, injecting venom into her tone.

"You are so blind, he couldn't wait to take advantage, swoop in like the knight in shining armour and rescue you. He's always wanted you. All those duets, subtly undermining me, all those rows we had..."

Rachel shook her head. "Don't. You did this Quinn, just you. Deep down you know that."

That simple statement crushed her. She couldn't let it show. "Maybe I did you a favour; this is what you wanted all along. To belong, isn't it? Well, you got your wish. You're Susie High School now. Dating the star quarterback, you don't have to worry about the talks and the looks. _That's_ what I did."

Before Rachel could respond, Finn stepped in. "Don't you think you've upset Rachel enough today?"_ Stay out of it_ she wanted to scream, but even as she resisted his words, Quinn knew Finn was right, Rachel was crying again, silently this time. The brunette looked at Quinn, her eyes pleading.

"Whatever." She muttered. Quinn couldn't stand her ground any longer. It wasn't working, everything was going wrong. She fled, no longer concerned with the threat of expulsion. She couldn't be here right now.

The house was dark when she got home. _At least something has gone in my favour today. _She made her way to the bathroom without bothering to switch on a single light. Quinn ran the shower for a long time, as hot as it would go, and let the water power over her in waves. _Why do I do this?_ Her bedroom was cold, uninviting. It felt like it didn't even belong to her anymore, she was so far detached from the girl who owned this room. Quinn began to tear the possessions from the shelves, clearing the posters from the walls until everything was bare. That felt a little better. _It's still not enough._

The bags were heavy in her arms as she re-entered the blissfully still empty house. She didn't want her mom to interfere, not until the task was done. She took out each item in turn. The painting was surprisingly easy once she began and in no time at all, Quinn stood back and surveyed her labours. The stark blackness stared out at her from every wall; it was an improved representation of its occupant now at least. She ditched the empty paint cans and dust sheets in the garage and settled on the couch to sleep until the new paint smell evaporated.

"What are you doing home?" The question roused Quinn from her nap.

There was no point answering, no doubt the school would call soon and explain everything. Her argument and subsequent absence wouldn't go unnoticed. She shrugged. "I'm going out."

"No you aren't." Her mom retorted, knowing it was useless even before she finished the sentence.

Quinn carried on going. Today was an endless stream of motion; she was incapable of staying in one place for any length of time. She was reminded of the image of a locust, causing destruction and then simply moving on. _Is that what I am now?_

There was a party; there always was somewhere, if you looked hard enough. At least Quinn knew these people. She didn't have to pretend. She had met them in the summer, at another party, one of the first in her new persona. They were like her. Kids that were lost, looking for solace in the bottom of a glass. She smiled at the host. Everyone called him "Slightly" after the Peter Pan character because he showed no sign of growing up. Quinn wasn't sure of his exact age, but she guessed he was about 30. She liked him. Like his namesake, he had a talent for music, and Quinn always found herself enjoying his parties in spite of herself. She let herself relax as best she could, but she was still troubled. Rachel's words continued to ricochet. _You are not the only one who gets to be in pain. _ So Rachel did feel bad about the break-up after all. Did that really matter though; did it change anything to know this? What hurt the most? Believing that Rachel hadn't cared anymore or the new knowledge that the girl was still suffering because of her, Quinn wasn't sure.

"What's wrong Princess? You still all broken up about that girl?" Quinn had no clue how Slightly knew this. _I am really so transparent?_ She nodded; she had no energy for denials.

"You're always gonna get your heart ripped out somewhere." He sounded morose as he said it, the voice of bitter experience. He spoke as someone who had lived though his own fair share of love that has gone bad. His tone was one of inevitability.

That is why Quinn asked. He had gotten through it, reached the other side, in varying degrees, but regardless it was more than she could manage. Her voice was expectant, she needed to know. Quinn couldn't go on like this. "What do you do about it?"

"You just burn, kid. You just burn, just keep it all on the inside."


	8. Face the day

**Usual disclaimer and blah. **

**For those of you who don't already know, I have written a companion piece/prequel to this story called "The Things We Didn't talk about." The story is a simple oneshot, written in Rachel's POV. Nothing major, but definitely worth the read if you are a fan of this story already.**

**.net/s/7480909/1/The_Things_We_Didnt_Talk_About**

**Ok so shameless self promotion over. Enjoy the new fairly short chapter, I kind of got a bit of writers block here, but at least it's an update. Let me know what you think.**

"_**As the caffeine in your belly wears away, you're not sure what you're doing but you do it all the same. It's all a mistake. The sun came up with a grudge against the puddles in the yard, as we look up in the mirror to see the wreckage that we are. It's all a mistake."**_

The morning came too soon. The night had pledged potential, but it was nothing more than deceit. The hours of darkness whispered lies, let Quinn believe that it was possible to be less than utterly miserable. _It was all a mistake._ The fleeting moments of happiness she snatched faded with the moonlight, leaving her more depressed than ever. She could smile, even laugh, in those hours, but it wasn't real. Ultimately the dawn returned her problems to her. The sun harboured her feelings of resentment, it seemed. The moon may be willing to shoulder her burdens, let her unwind a while without their heavy weight, but the daylight hours were less prepared to carry the load. She didn't know which was more vindictive, the night for offering these gifts, or the daybreak for snatching them away. _Someone please shut off the sun _she thought; she would give anything to hold onto this at little longer.

She rolled over sharply in her eagerness to get back to sleep and nearly fell from the narrow couch. "Morning Sweet Pea, did you sleep well?" Quinn tried not to let Slightly's chirpiness bother her, but even in her old life she would have resisted the urge to describe herself as a morning person.

"Not really. Remind me next time to decline your offer to stay, that couch should be declared unfit for human habitation."

Slightly grinned. "You're welcome. Leave the couch alone, he's old, besides if I turned you down I would miss out on your sparkling morning banter and that would be such a shame." He handed her a steaming mug. "Mi casa es su casa Q you know, just think of it as the proverbial sandbox for you to stick your head in." Quinn couldn't bring herself to utter a retort. She wasn't even offended, he was right. She had stayed here last night to avoid her mother and she had only sought the party in the first place in order to stop thinking about Rachel's speech in class.

_You did this Quinn, just you. _The tone of her voice made Quinn's stomach knot. It had been matter of fact, but gentle, as though Rachel had wanted to spare her feelings. Rachel was the victim, but she still tried to protect Quinn in some small way and that decency threatened to unravel the blonde. All the parts of her that Rachel loved were gone, yet the brunette still extended the offer of friendship, in spite of admitting that she was hurt by the break-up. Rachel was still intact, her inherent goodness untouched, and this only served to highlight the depth of Quinn's own failings. She in contrast, was a living tragedy, unrecognisable, a walking disaster.

Quinn's finger hovered over the call button. She couldn't call Rachel, it was ridiculous. The idea of being in each other lives was too agonising to contemplate, how could the two of them exchange pleasantries?Her phone prompted her, the message flashed._ Do you want to delete this contact? _She pushed cancel and tossed the phone aside. _Why put myself through this?_ It would be safer to just get rid of the number, but like the ring, she clung to it.

Nevertheless, she had to try something, none of her coping mechanisms were working anymore. Quinn had attempted everything, screaming, crying, drinking herself into unconsciousness and using both physical and verbal assaults as outlets for her pain, but to no avail. Nothing helped. Time was doing zero to heal her wounds. The problem was there was nobody to talk to, not a single person who identified with how it felt to fuck up everything so spectacularly. They all sympathised, she knew from experience, her parents and teachers had been compassionate at first, along with the friends she hadn't immediately pushed away, but they soon grew tired of it. They were too engaged with their own problems or too content to prioritise her distress for any length of time. _Teen angst, _her father said,_ its par for the course. You'll get over it. _As for the doctor, she didn't care, it was just her job, analysing was not the same as understanding.

Quinn found herself heading to a place where none of this touched her. If she couldn't cope with the present, she would escape into the comforting arms of the past. Return to her first ever safe haven. _The tree house, I'll go there. _Jumping the fence to the yard was effortless; not getting spotted as she roamed through the garden was a different scenario entirely. Santana's view from the window overlooked this precise route, but luckily, it was early and the cheerleader appeared to be fast asleep. _I should be too_ Quinn reflected longingly.

Taking her time, Quinn climbed the crumbling rope ladder to the top. When they were children this ascent seemed to take forever, the tree house gave the impression that it reached the edge of the sky, but looking up now with adult eyes she realised it was no great distance at all. If she fell she would suffer barely a scratch.She remembered the joy when they had seized the tree house as their own. Quinn hadn't known Santana that long and she thought it was incredible that her dad had built this place. It was a humble construction, nothing fancy, she couldn't visualize her father freeing up a weekend to do anything like that.

They had set about turning it into a girly paradise straight away, not quite believing that Santana's older brothers had abandoned such an amazing hideout. They swore that they would never outgrow it and spent all their time there. _How long did that last for? _As they got older, having a tree house wasn't seen as cool anymore. They spent their days hanging out at the mall or the movies instead. Sometimes though, Quinn would sneak up here secretly and just sit for a while. Santana would always find her. _Come on you loser, _she would complain fondly, her arm around her shoulders, leading her away with a smile, _Brittany is waiting for us, let's go. _When Quinn pushed open the door, she envisaged that it would be in exactly the same state as they left it, untouched, every detail identical right down to the photos on the walls and the stack of magazines in the corner. Of course it was not, it had been cleared of all their childish things ages ago. It was an empty shell, home only to dust and the odd spider. Quinn didn't know what she had hoped to find here, but whatever it was, it was long gone.

"Get out!"

Quinn stood up quickly, banging her head on the low ceiling. She hadn't heard the Latina come in, she was too busy reminiscing about practicing cheerleading routines, the boards creaking their protests with each step and smiling over the memories of the times they sang into hairbrushes, drowning out the battery powered radio's fuzzy signal. "Santana, I..." Quinn choked out meekly.

"I said get out." The cheerleader replied, keeping her voice low. She looked ready to charge at Quinn. "You're trespassing."

_I'm sorry. _Quinn tried to compress all her emotions into a single glance. Santana shunned her words but she couldn't deny the meaning in her eyes. The girl looked away, her face conflicted. She had seen and understood. When she spoke again, it was softer, more vulnerable. "Just go okay, I can't..."

Quinn hadn't meant for Santana to find her here and now she had succeeded in upsetting her former friend all over again. She signed, taking a last look as she slid down. She wouldn't come back here; she had shut another door on the person she used to be. As she sauntered away, she felt a deep loneliness grip her. _What now? _Quinn's head was filled with the lyrics of a song that she herself could have conceivably written, so apt were the words. She wanted to scream them into the stillness of the garden, but she did not. Instead she bit her tongue, keeping them inside. _I'm the ghost of a girl that I want to be most. I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well. _


	9. In the shadow

**Usual Disclaimer: Glee is not mine, although any mistakes here are and I am amassing a collection of stories using its characters lol. **

**P.S read my new one-shot, I'm really proud of it. It's the first story I've written that isn't totally Quinn-centric. (Even the prequel to this which is in Rachel's POV is still all Quinntastic)**

**Another update for you. I'm really busy this week so you may have to be content with this chapter until the weekend. Sorry! I'm really pleased with this chapter though, much better than the last. Finally some loving Faberry. Shame nobody's favourite quarterback and all around Funsponge had to ruin it, but still, that little scene makes me happy! I hope you like it as much as I do! **

"_**If my yesterday is a disgrace, tell me that you still recall my name. The storm finally found me and left me in the dark, in the cloud around me, I don't know where you are. Wipe the mark of sadness from my face."**_

It had been two weeks since she had been evicted from the tree house and Quinn had only left the house to go to school or therapy. She didn't communicate during either and returned home immediately afterwards. Her mother had tried to broach the subject of this new routine with her daughter, but it was understandable that she was secretly pleased that Quinn was no longer partying, and therefore didn't try too hard to discover the reasons for her change in behaviour. The simple truth was that Quinn didn't feel like it.

It was like darkness was lurking over everything, obscuring it, she couldn't move through it and so for Quinn everything beautiful was far away. Her head was full of a dense black mist. Quinn had no other choice but to embrace the shadows that surrounded her fully, she could no longer fight them and she wasn't sure she wanted to. She wasn't afraid anymore, it was like she was falling and there was nothing tethering her but in the face of such desolation there was no point to anything, certainly not fear. Similarly joy was out of the question, happiness either organic or chemically induced was beyond her now. The parties didn't even offer a short-lived escape any longer, so there was no reason to go.

Last week Quinn had tried to scream and no sound would come out. It was terrifying at first, and she felt the sense of panic rise within her. Once she had taken a chance to calm down though, she calculated that maybe this was better; no-one was listening anyway so why bother. It was almost a relief to relinquish her voice. People only talked at her anyway, judging, shunning, yelling, and complaining. They never wanted a genuine dialogue, only their chance to speak. The only exception being that of the doctor, which wasn't really valid when you consider she was getting paid. _I'm nobody's lab rat. _It was pretty clear this dalliance would be over before long with any luck. Quinn was behaving herself at school so her academic probation status had been temporarily revoked. It was only a matter of time until they agreed to let her stop the counselling all together. Nobody asked why she stopped fighting or worried that she spent every class staring listlessly at the walls, as far as they were concerned it was an improvement, and any progress at all was good.

The only person who seemed to detect anything was wrong was the individual that Quinn prayed wouldn't notice. Alas, it appeared that Rachel Berry was as attuned to her moods as ever. Quinn caught her staring every time she looked up, but the brunette never turned her gaze away, she kept her eyes trained on Quinn no matter what. What did she have to do, break Rachel's heart twice, three times?_ Why won't you stop caring?_ On the other hand, for all her visible concern, the girl never said a word to her. Quinn steeled herself for the conversation every time Rachel threw her a glance, but it hadn't happened. This left Quinn more perplexed than ever. In the past, she always prided herself on being able to figure out Rachel Berry, but in this state, she had no clue what was going on behind those brown orbs.

When the conversation finally took place Quinn had given up waiting expectantly and was beginning to speculate if it was possible that she had misinterpreted Rachel's intentions or fabricated the looks entirely. She was still weighing this up when Rachel eventually cornered her. Quinn sat alone on the grass, her fork wading through the Tupperware container, indiscriminately flicking pieces of salad from left to right. She never once lifted the utensil to her mouth; she had no desire to eat. Rachel sat down next to her, moving skittishly as though she expected to be shooed away.

Quinn just watched, recognising the way Rachel carefully formulated her sentence in her mind. After a while the girl uttered it carefully, with great reluctance. "Promise me you won't do anything stupid, you owe me that at least."

Quinn was incredulous. _Is this a joke? _Rachel's face displayed a level of seriousness and sincerity that contradicted that thought, but she couldn't believe it in any case. "You think I'm going to kill myself?" It was laughable.

Rachel sighed. "Is that such a ridiculous notion? Have you even looked in a mirror lately? You look awful Quinn and you're wondering around school like a zombie."_Thanks, _she thought. Rachel didn't look too great either, but Quinn decided against mentioning it. She didn't want to argue, not today.

"I can't believe you would suggest that. I would never do anything like that; don't you think I know that I've hurt everyone enough? It would destroy my parents if nothing else." _You too, it would kill you as well wouldn't it? _There was no need to add that, the knowledge passed unspoken between them anyway.

Seeing the sadness that had passed over Rachel, Quinn decided to lighten the mood. It was unfathomable. _I should get rid of her, make her cry, keep my distance. _For some reason she wanted only to see Rachel smile, to be the cause. To prove to herself that she was still capable of such an act. Quinn tried out her own grin, it was faltering, but all the same, it was the best she could manage.

"What's more, it's a sin and this morning I've already dishonoured my mother, so for today at least, suicide is off the table. I've got to balance the scales somehow."

Rachel arched her eyebrows, momentarily taken aback by the change in Quinn's demeanour. She quickly recovered, plastering a smirk on her own face. "I don't claim to be an expert on your religion, but I think I heard something about lesbianism being frowned upon too."

Quinn laughed. She had done it. _Maybe I'm not totally astray. _ She continued to joke, feeling more like her old self. "It's a good thing I'm so secretive about it then!"

Rachel snorted. There was no unease between them; it was like being transported back in time for a moment, back to when they were both unquestioningly happy. In a flash though Rachel's face turned solemn again, destroying the fragile rapport. "I thought therapy would make you better not worse."

Quinn groaned. The illusion was shattered and she put her defences back up. _Why did Rachel always have to delve into everything? She could never let things be_. She glanced at the girl guardedly. Therapy was a secret. "You know about that?"

"I know about a lot of things."

Quinn decided not to analyse that thinly veiled comment, after all, she may not like what she uncovered. Things were going well so she ploughed on, eager to keep Rachel near while she could still tolerate the girl. Quinn was in a good mood and now that she had started to talk, it was like the floodgates had opened. "Well then, you must also know that opening up was never strength of mine. I hear that for therapy to help, discussing your problems is kind of a key element."

"You're doing fine right now. I think this may be the longest conversation you've had in months, with anyone."

Quinn exhaled noisily, lowering her eyes. The lawn had suddenly become a lot more interesting now that she could feel Rachel's eyes burning into her. "It's different with you." She whispered, feeling embarrassed. "The doctor, she can't relate. It's like talking to a robot."

"I understand. So, tell me. I need to know Quinn."

_All right you asked for it. _It was hard to explain, but she had to try. If she couldn't make Rachel understand then no-one would. "It's like a rollercoaster. I felt everything and I thought I would burst, all I wanted was to shut it off, I begged not to feel. I thought the alternative would be preferable but I've gotten my wish and it's like I'm dead inside."

Rachel leaned over; in one fluid motion she turned over Quinn's right hand and let her fingers skate lightly over the surface of her palm. The touch was light, barely there, but it scorched Quinn's skin, filling her with warmth. She suppressed a whimper, the strokes were achingly familiar._ Oh my god. Oh my God._ She took a deep breath, it wasn't normal to be so excited by what wasn't even a proper caress. _Calm down._

Rachel withdrew her hand gently. There was the slightest trace of a smile on her lips. Quinn supposed she was remembering too. "Did you feel that?" she whispered.

Quinn nodded. _I'll always feel you. _She wanted to speak, reach out, to do anything to prolong this tenderness between them, she was conscious of how fragile it was. Quinn was on borrowed time and the instant Rachel left the emptiness would swallow her again.

"Rachel...I..." She stammered, she felt like she was 12 years old, all flustered and tongue-tied.

_Do something, you can't let her leave._ Quinn stretched out her hand, holding her breath as her fingertips connected with Rachel's hair, gliding over the velvety soft strands. The touch was delicate, merely a fraction of the caress she had wanted to give. It was insubstantial, but Quinn didn't dare to let the contact linger. She was terrified that the other girl would pull away. A sound came from one of them and Quinn couldn't be sure if she had expressed it or if was Rachel.She had lost the ability to even comprehend full sentences; fractured words and phrases hitting her in a never-ending stream. The only thing her brain could focus on was that Rachel smelled like autumn. Quinn's nose was filled with the scent of apples and peaches, the rich aromas of vanilla and caramel. She breathed them all in, terrified that soon the spell between them would be broken. Rachel's lips were so close. _Does she want me too?_ Quinn gazed longingly at the brunette frantically seeking permission to take the next step, but Rachel's eyes were closed, thereby displaying neither refusal nor willingness. _What do I do?_

"Rachel?" Finn's voice was like a barrage of bullets, scattering the girls. Rachel broke away quickly. Her face was obscured by the curtains of her hair, betraying nothing. Quinn longed to ask the girl what she was thinking, how she felt, what that moment between them had meant. So many questions, but before she could say a single one, Finn spoke again. "I've been looking for you everywhere."

He made no mention of the compromising situation that he had walked in on. Quinn would have rolled her eyes at his cluelessness if she wasn't so busy trying to glean anything she could from the brunette. Rachel sprang to her feet and cleaned invented grass stains from her immaculate skirt with exaggerated force. She didn't look at Quinn.

"Sorry." She replied, her tone off. Rachel cleared her throat and speaking louder she added, "Let's go."

Quinn made a move too. She had let her guard down. _Stupid, stupid girl. _Grimacing bitterly she elbowed her way in front of the couple who were now side by side, heading back in the direction of the school. "You boys sure know how to ruin all the perfect moments." Quinn retorted angrily as she brushed past Finn. She kept her voice flippant. _You can't hurt me _her posture declared.

She held it together for as long as it took to be safely out of sight. Once clear she began to run, her entire body trembling. Finally her knees buckled and she emptied the contents of her stomach all over the pavement. The force of this morning's breakfast as it splattered the concrete made her lurch forward, almost falling. When she was done, Quinn stood up and glimpsed her saturated trainers; they would have to thrown away. _One more thing ruined._ Quinn stuffed them into the nearest trashcan and drove home barefoot.

In the car Quinn attempted to conjure up the smells of Rachel's hair, the touch of her skin, but all that would come was the speed of her movements, the distance between them. _Was that sorry for me or him? She went with him; she didn't look back, not once. _It felt as though autumn was over and winter's chill had firmly set in.


	10. Last chance

**Usual disclaimer. Glee is upon us soon hooray! Here is another chapter, sorry to keep you waiting guys, I was so busy, family stuff getting in the way, but now normal service has been resumed... **

**Anyway! This isn't my best chapter, it's too dialogue heavy, I'm sorry, I sometimes suck at expressing things any other way. Regardless this chapter has some redeeming features. I like it because it has Puck standing up for Rachel again. That's how I see a Puckleberry friendship, with him as like a protective older brother figure lol. Yet another thing I would make happen if I owned Glee...**

**Also there is impending Faberry which is always a joy. Happy reading...**

"_**What's the point? Don't try to hide, don't justify a thing.**_ _**Just like a hundred dollar bill,  
>fold it up and tear it at the crease. <strong>__**There's not much left inside your chest, but its worth much more than what you see. **__**This will be the last time you hide your eyes behind your hair." **_

Quinn charged into the room, this was no time for her usual feigned indifference or sullen silence. She needed a favour and it was about time that counselling provided her with something useful. "I need you to get me transferred out of Mckinley as of like yesterday! You can do that right?"

The doctor peered over the stack of files she had been studying. If she was flustered by the sudden attack on the stillness of her office she didn't give any indication. "Calm down Quinn, take a seat and tell me what's happened. Why do you want to leave school?"

Quinn took a deep breath and tried to calm down, it was no use. She was too agitated. Her mother had waved a truancy letter in her face this morning, leaving her no choice but to go to school after the almost kiss. Quinn was dreading running into Rachel, she was in little doubt that the brunette would have spent hours and hours agonising over what happened and now she would be beyond eager to discuss it in minute detail. That was not a conversation that she was looking forward to having, especially after Rachel had fled with Finn, making it obvious that Quinn wouldn't like the brunette's conclusions.

However, once she got to school she discovered that Rachel hadn't shown. The girl was avoiding her. The brunette had never skipped school in all the time she had known her, even if she was on her deathbed Rachel would drag herself to class and fix a smile on her face. Quinn was always the one who evaded confronting her problems; Rachel tackled them head-on no matter how painful it was. This was serious. _Is she hiding from me because she regrets the closeness between us yesterday or because she doesn't?_ That was the big question, and she didn't have an answer. Rachel had sought her out all along, suggesting that she wanted a reconciliation of sorts. _Maybe I pushed it too far?_ It was possible that she had scared Rachel off for good now. Quinn couldn't forget the speed with which she had bolted and into whose arms. The rest of the day had passed in a blur, Quinn consumed by the thwarted confrontation. She had been dreading it, but now that it had been denied to her, she could think of nothing else.

_Does she hate me? _Quinn massaged her temples, trying to ease the dull throbbing that had settled there, almost in step with the persistent beating on her heart. She looked up and realised that the shrink was still waiting to hear her answers. "I can't be there anymore". It was little more than a ragged sigh, all her prior urgency deflated.

"Is this about Rachel? Talk to me, things won't seem half as bad, I promise."

Quinn shuffled uncomfortably in her seat. All the way over she had urged herself that she would get through this conversation if it meant that she could get her own way, but things weren't going according to plan. It was all too fresh in her mind. She couldn't detach herself like she needed to in order to get through this. Finally she spat the words out, mindful that her tone sounded belligerent and sulky, like a spoilt child.

"I tried that, talking I mean, I opened up to Rachel."

"That's a good thing surely? You two are getting a dialogue going. It's not a mistake to let people in Quinn."

"Yes it is!" Quinn shocked herself with the force of her fury; it flared up from nowhere and sparked fresh waves of pain which zigzagged through her skull. She winced for a moment before continuing. "You don't get it. It was great. For a moment I let myself forget all I'd done, it was like old times, just us. Rachel and I, so close and I got lost, carried away..."

"I see. How did Rachel react to you kissing her?"

"She wanted me to kiss her, I know she did." Even as Quinn said the words she doubted them. _Is that just what I wanted to believe in the moment? Am I that selfish? _It occurred to her that she had no idea what Rachel desired anymore and it wasn't her place to guess. _Maybe she simply got caught up in the moment too. Perhaps that's all it was. _She fiddled with her ring unconsciously before glancing at the doctor, trying to read her expression. "It doesn't matter anyway, her boyfriend interrupted us."

"Rachel has a boyfriend? How does that make you feel?"

Quinn just rolled her eyes, that sort of obvious question was the reason she doubted therapy so much. _You are missing the point! _ The point was that being around Rachel was dangerous; Quinn couldn't trust herself to play this role, keep up the facade. When she was around her former girlfriend all the feelings that she tried to thrust aside overwhelmed her. Quinn couldn't stop herself from falling into old patterns with Rachel and that was treacherous. She understood that the way she had dealt with the break-up was all wrong. It was the reason that they were still so unfinished. There was no clean break and unless she created genuine distance between them, they never would be over and it would be their downfall. _I'll break her heart all over again or she'll break mine, repeatedly until the pieces are too small to assemble, little more than dust, until neither of us has a heart left to shatter. __**  
><strong>_ "It has to be over. That's why I need to leave. When I'm through, I can't see her again otherwise what I'm trying to accomplish will come undone. I have to finish things with her, for good this time. This is the only way."

Quinn crossed her arms over her chest protectively before taking off her ring. She traced her fingers over the embossed surface thoughtfully, letting the metal roll across her open hand for a while. With a firm nod she positioned the silver band onto the polished wood of the desktop. _I have to. I have to _she told herself as she resisted the compulsion to slip it back onto her finger. _This is what I should have done all along._

The doctor ignored the ring that she had seemingly become the guardian of. She looked Quinn in the eye, her manner unaffected by Quinn's emotional deluge. "While I respect your assurances and your need for closure, I cannot move you to another school. Even if I had it within my power to do so, I wouldn't recommend it. That would just be encouraging you to run from your problems. If you are serious about ending things with Rachel you have to see it through, day to day, and deal with the consequences as they arise." She paused, smiling. "I will be here every step of the way if that's what you need, but that is the only help I can offer."

Quinn felt like hitting her head repeatedly against the desk. _Why was the shrink so against her starting over? Didn't she realise that seeing Rachel day after day was precisely the problem?_ She was only weeks into the school year and it was already proving impossible, how would she survive at Mckinley High, she couldn't avoid the brunette forever, and it would be even more difficult after what she had almost done. They had to talk; Rachel would make sure of that. Quinn had a lucky escape today and she knew it. The diva wouldn't be absent for long. _Tomorrow she might be waiting..._

"What good are you to me if you can't even fulfil a basic request?" She screamed, leaping from her chair. "Don't you want to make the pain stop? Isn't that your job?"

She ran from the office as fast as her legs would carry her. She had no option but to confront Rachel first, to steer the conversation the way she wanted it to go. She would just say her prepared speech and leave; she wouldn't meet those brown eyes or be persuaded regardless of the statements that those sultry lips uttered. It could be simple.

Quinn was breathless by the time she reached Rachel's door and she lingered, out of sight, eager to compose herself before facing the brunette. She toyed with the idea of lighting a cigarette to calm down, but she figured that Rachel's dads' would be enough of an obstacle without her smelling like an ashtray. Quinn wished she had showered. As an alternative and in the absence or a piece of gum or a mint, she smoothed her clothes and wayward hair until her hands no longer shook. _I can do this. Get in, get out. No problem. _When she was satisfied that this was the best she was ever going to look given the circumstances, Quinn moved out of the shadows making a bee-line for the front door.

"Quinn?" It was not the voice of Hiram or Leroy Berry as Quinn expected, but Puck. As she watched him leaving the house and advancing towards her, some of Quinn's willpower faltered. Suddenly coming to Rachel's home seemed like a terrible idea and she longed for the safety of neutral ground. "What are you doing here? You are the last person I expected, you aren't exactly known for your bedside manner."

"So she is sick then. I thought she was avoiding me." _Idiot. Why tell him that?_ Quinn decided it didn't make much difference, in all likelihood Rachel had probably told Noah most, if not all, of what had happened between them. _Stop freaking out._

"A little from column A, a little from column B. Either way, I wasn't kidding, I'm surprised to see you here. As for Rach, I don't think surprised will be the right word when she discovers you." His face turned grave, making him seem older and wiser. "If you are here to hurt her Quinn, then don't. Just go. Now is not the time." 

"Butt out okay _Noah. _Now is exactly the time. I'm here to make sure that yesterday never happens again. It's good news for you and your buddy Finn. Why don't you go and celebrate, he can have her. I'm stepping out of the race. It's over, he's won."

The boy stepped closer, his face conflicted. "Do you mean that? You are really giving up?" He hesitated before whispering almost conspiratorially, his lips close to Quinn's ear. "Look, Finn is my boy, but Rach, me and her, it goes deeper. So, I'm going to tell you what I tried to tell you at the party because for once you're sober enough to take it on board and it's for Rachel's own good. Rachel loves _you_. She wants _you_. She needs _you_. Think about that before you go in there and break her apart all over again."

Quinn stepped back, the impact of Puck's words rendering her speechless. She looked into his eyes, he was telling the truth but nevertheless she couldn't let herself believe him. She couldn't let herself be dissuaded. She shook her head hard trying to remember her purpose. It seemed futile now. Everything led back to Rachel, drawing her in closer and closer. She couldn't get away. _Do I even want to? _It was difficult to be certain of anything.

"Quinn, listen to me. You aren't stupid. Do you honestly think that it's a coincidence that Rachel started dating Finn when school began? She wanted to show you that she'd moved on. She believed that you didn't care about her, and as a result she's using Finn to take the focus away from how cut up she still is over you. That's all their relationship is, it's a show that she's putting on for your benefit. She hasn't even slept with him did you know that?"

Quinn's breath caught in her throat. "You're lying. It's been weeks, of course they've...Finn's a guy he wouldn't put up with it...you'd say anything... I don't believe you."

"Ask Rachel. Finn follows her around like a puppy dog and she lets him, but really they are little more than friends. It's sad really, he keeps hoping that one day she'll return his feelings, but we both know that's never going to happen. She likes him, but not like that. He's window dressing, a decoy."

Quinn crouched down, leaning against the solid brick of the house. She needed something to anchor her; she was afloat in a sea of mixed up thoughts and feelings. _She doesn't want him._ This was a lot to process. Puck wasn't lying, which meant that Rachel loved her and had apparently never stopped. _What do I do? _She knew what she had come here for, her mind made up; wanting to spare herself and Rachel any further heartbreak but this news changed everything. She had no idea how to proceed. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. _Everything and nothing suddenly made sense all at once.

Puck smiled. "Do I really need to tell you what to do now?"


	11. Clock is ticking

**Hooray! I can't wait to watch Glee! Maybe it will inspire me, I'm not feeling much love for this chapter, it seems poorly written, and I can't seem to get it right. The earlier chapters just seem so much stronger to me. Oh well, I'll persevere. FABERRY! Its angsty my favourite kind...but then you guys knew it wasn't going to be easy right?**

**I would love some feedback. Love it or hate it, just let me know lol.**

"_**You can't leave. Wage your war. Every second, dripping off my fingertips. In slow motion, the blast is beautiful. Doors slam shut. I am scared. Don't you breathe, I could do most anything to you..."**_

"I never would have guessed that Puckerman was the romantic type. He's been through more girls than you've had solos. He must care about you a lot."

Quinn couldn't believe that this was her opening gambit after finding herself in Rachel's bedroom, but it seemed like it was the only way she could conceivably address the fact that she was aware how Rachel felt without making a scene. She wasn't ready for some big emotive speech; this had all been sprung on her without warning. Her break-up plot had turned into something infinitely more frightening, with the greater possibilities of everything blowing up in her face. Either way, now that she had entered this room, whatever she did next was critical. _I have to go slow, be gentle._ That went against Quinn's nature, usually she rushed headlong into situations, but this time her impulses might serve to get her into trouble. So, fighting her instincts, which were sorely tempted to do away with words all together, she made what she hoped passed for small talk. Quinn downplayed her racing heart and quickening pulse and kept her voice casual. She waited for Rachel to pick up the thread and tried to stop her gaze wandering to the outline of the familiar body tucked under the sheets. It was a whole new level of agony to find herself only footsteps away from the bed.

Rachel sat bolt upright, obviously startled for a moment before she focused on the blonde in front of her. She played along; she knew Quinn's tactics well enough to recognise this for what it was. The brunette could see right through Quinn and this was no exception. So here they were, skirting over the issues, making light of them, biding their time. The blonde couldn't help the smile that graced over her features when after a minute Rachel composed herself and responded as though it was an everyday occurrence to find her ex-girlfriend in her bedroom wanting to exchange chit-chat. This is how it worked with them.

"Actually, the number of solos I've performed vastly outnumbers his conquests. To be honest, the rumours of his promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated." Quinn quirked her eyebrow, sometimes she felt like she and Rachel were the only girls at Mckinley Puck hadn't propositioned. Rachel ignored the gesture. "To answer your question Quinn, yes, Noah has been a very good friend to me."

Although Rachel didn't mean anything by it, Quinn felt a fresh pang of guilt. _He was there for her when I wasn't._ Without wanting to she remembered all the phone-calls and messages she had left unanswered, listening to the shrill echo of the phone in her ear as though the scenario was unfolding directly in front of her again. It was so real that she almost grabbed her phone from her pocket, convinced someone was calling her. Quinn had lost count of how many times her mother had turned Rachel away, but sometimes her wails reached Quinn's room regardless. She had never been able to suppress the sounds of the broken sobs, and the pleading, as they ricocheted up the stairwell, seeking her out, but not once did she climb down and confront the pain she had caused. _It should have been me comforting her; I should have got down on my knees and begged her to forgive me. I should never have left her side. _She had never chased the brunette before even when they were together. It was only right that Rachel questioned her motives now. _What I am even doing here? _

Rachel saw the way Quinn blanched and looked stricken. "I didn't say that to upset you. I'm sorry. I only meant that I'm lucky to have Noah, that's all."

Quinn tried not to dwell on the friendship she had thrown away. She couldn't think about the mistakes she had made with Santana, this was about her and Rachel right now and the other girl apologising was too much. Quinn backed away from the bed. _I don't deserve her sympathy, she's done nothing wrong. _"Maybe I should go. You're ill, it was wrong of me to come. This conversation can wait." Even as Quinn stalled for time she knew that the clock was ticking._ If I don't say the words now, will I ever?_ The doubts plaguing her now were the stronger she had ever encountered. The only thing she knew with any level of clarity was she had no idea what she was doing. As she dithered, torn between what she longed to do and what she had come here to do, Rachel leapt forward and grabbed her arm almost hard enough to bruise.

"Don't leave me." She sounded so drained. _She sounds like me. _Quinn took a step forward wanting only to banish that small broken voice forever. She had to bring the real Rachel back, the girl full of a never-ending sense optimism that was slightly unnerving, the girl who loved Quinn with her whole heart and was braver than anyone she had ever met. _I did this to her so I have to fix it._ She didn't pull away, even as her head screamed _you'll break her heart_ repeatedly.

Instead she gathered her courage and claimed her old spot on the bed. Rachel edged sideways silently and created a space. It was all so reminiscent of a thousand evenings after school, that one simple action. A single fat teardrop rolled down Quinn's cheek. She listened to the recognizable protest of the mattress springs and had to bite her lip to stop herself from weeping. _I belonged then, but is it too late or is there still a place for me? _Rachel reclined her body and for a moment Quinn stopped breathing, stopped agonising, but instead of brushing the droplet away, she leant over Quinn and handed her a tissue, her eyes downcast.

Quinn longed to reach out, to make Rachel look at her, but she was scared of the emotions that swirled inside those brown orbs. She dabbed her own eyes angrily, swiping at the smudged black. The silence was deafening, jarring with the way their bodies fit so neatly together. Her whole body was suddenly riddled with tension. She was like a coiled spring, one word, a single look from Rachel and she might leap from the bed. That would be bad, there was too much at stake to run. _Where do I start? I'm sorry...or I love you...or Puck told me everything...forgive me..._All the things she had choked down and prevented herself from verbalising for so long were like a heavy rock sitting on her chest. _What if I say the wrong thing? _She could feel the brunette waiting expectantly.

It was Rachel who eventually spoke. "What did Noah tell you?" Quinn relaxed. It wasn't a loaded question; it was rhetorical, which meant that Rachel wasn't being confrontational, she giving Quinn an opening. The brunette wasn't an idiot, Puck was privy to all her secrets, and it was obvious by this point that he had made sure Quinn was too. _Say something._

Quinn looked at Rachel; the brunette was indicating to her that now they were both on the same page she wanted to talk. However, Quinn didn't feel like talking, words only failed her and she didn't want to ruin this moment like she had spoiled so many others. She let her gaze convey everything that she needed to express. Her hazel eyes whispered _I know everything _in the instant that they connected with Rachel's wide-eyed stare. She reached her hand out, caressing soft brown strands again, pulling the girl into her. She wanted nothing to obscure her view. If Rachel rejected her, this moment would be all that she had. In its place, the brunette bit her trembling lip and that was the only encouragement that Quinn needed.

_Do it. _Suddenly her lips were everywhere, testing how far Rachel would let her go. She planted kisses in the silkiness of Rachel's hair and dusted the warm skin of her cheeks with the faintest caresses. _I need this. _Every ounce of her was humming with desire. Confident that she wasn't going to be rebuked, Quinn began to explore more boldly, unafraid. When her mouth found the pliant flesh of Rachel's neck she lost control, allowing herself to press more firmly. She relished the moan that escaped from the other girl, her own gasps coming just as loudly.

"Quinn, you have to stop." She tried to hold onto the control, ignore Rachel's protests. She wanted only to keep her fragile hold on the here and now, but even as she kissed harder, Quinn knew the seconds were slipping away._ I rushed it. _Rachel spoke with more insistence, physically breaking the contact. "No, I can't do this with you. I'm not saying never again, but as of right now, I'm just not ready and you're..."

"You can say it, I'm a train wreck. I know I'm a mess, but it doesn't have to be that way. We can get it all back Rachel, we can." She laced their fingers together, anxious to reassure the brunette that she meant every word. "Please. I love you."

Rachel shook her head sadly, removing her hand. _It's all going wrong._ Quinn felt the absence acutely. It sent a shiver down her spine. "I've never doubted that, I know that you're sorry and I love you too, I always have, but I'm afraid that it's not enough. Saying I love you doesn't fix everything. I wish it did."

"Just tell me what to do! I'll do anything!" Quinn was aware that she was begging but she didn't have enough dignity left to stop. Keeping Rachel was the only thing that was important, but she was afraid that this realisation may have come too late. _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, don't do this._

"Can you please go? I need to think."

Quinn turned to leave, fearful of what would happen when this encounter was over. _Will there ever be another time to do this_? She had come to talk and they hadn't even done that yet, not properly. The words slipped out in a murmur as she went towards the door, but Rachel heard them loud and clear. "Promise me that you won't go back to _him_." The brunette tensed and Quinn immediately regretted mentioning Finn. It was a blatant sore point and none of her business, but nonetheless she didn't think she could leave willingly knowing that he might soon be occupying her position in Rachel's bedroom.

"You aren't in a situation to be issuing ultimatums." Rachel's voice was incensed and indignant, the change in volume making Quinn spin around and stop dead, her hand hovering over the doorknob. It was rapidly turning into a stand-off. _No, NO, No._

Anger flared inside her even as she tried to appeal to herself that she was being ridiculous. She needed to calm down, but in spite of everything Puck had said Quinn couldn't shake the notion that maybe there was more between them. Rachel was still being evasive about Finn, still protecting him and it infuriated her. "What's the problem? I'm simply asking that you don't continue this charade. We both know that he means nothing to you anyway." Quinn retorted sharply, challenging the brunette to disagree.

"How dare you. Just because you are able to callously disregard people's feelings, doesn't mean that I am like you. Leave Quinn, I don't want to be around you at the moment."

The words ripped through her. It was the nastiest thing that Rachel had ever said to her. Worse still was indisputable truth that shone through. _She's right. _Quinn couldn't deny her own flaws so she struck out at Rachel's weak spot instead, her treatment of Finn. She needed to claim some power back. "You're calling me cruel, after you've strung that boy along for weeks; get off your high horse Rachel."

The brunette didn't falter or recoil like the Quinn had expected. She continued to fix her gaze solely on the blonde, allowing the full force of her words to be absorbed. Her fury had dissipated now, giving way to silent tears. Quinn preferred facing down Rachel's anger; she was comfortable with those emotions, it was her default response.

Rachel sighed. "Finn chose to see something that wasn't there. I never misled him, told him I loved him or promised him anything. You on the other hand did all of those things. You ripped everything away, tore my world apart. Do you have any idea what it's been like? Not that I owe you any explanations but Finn cheered me up. Why is it so bad to enjoy his company, to need that element of fun in my life? "

"I thought you needed me." Quinn whispered.

Rachel looked away sadly. "Please go." It was barely a whisper but it carried as much weight as if the brunette had screamed it. Quinn flinched. _That's it; I've fucked it all up._

Tears blinded Quinn as she raced along the driveway and even as it happened she was all too aware of the quirk of fate. Here she was crying in her car over Rachel Berry. Yet again she was distraught as a result of an argument that she had caused, linked to Finn Hudson. _Maybe I'll never change. _Quinn sniffed loudly, checking her reflection in the mirror. _This is why I should have stayed away, we are going in circles._ She pulled out her phone and dialled "The Mack". The sooner she could forget this whole sorry scene the better. "It's pathetic." Quinn declared to the empty passenger seat as she waited for the call to connect. "I need to get over it."_ Goodbye Rachel._


	12. Need a mission

**I don't own Glee but my god am I glad it's back, even if I did find Rory ridiculously annoying! **

**The Puck and Beth scenes more than made up for that. He is so adorable, this is the Puck I try and write. Also that Quinn scene when she said Beth was her perfect thing...Oh my god my heart broke. Her self-worth is so low.**

**P.S if Rachel sleeps with Finn next episode I will gauge out my eyes! Bleerggh!**

**Anyway enough of my critique of the show, you are here to read. Sorry this chapter is quite short but I felt that this was a natural stopping point.**

**I hope you don't all hate me for this chapter. I promise that Faberry is endgame it's just that they can't be together right now. I read this amazing fic that featured some awesome Quinn/Mack make-out sessions and it got me shipping them somewhat. I may be alone in that but bear with me...**

"_**I need a helping hand, just to beat the void.**____**My soul is to sell. I need to pick up the pieces to scatter to the wind.**____**I can't stop this voice unravelling round me whatever I do,**____**it's talking to you. I rope my words out to dry but t**__**he world dances to the rhythm of its own heart beating for you, however you lose. **__**So speak to me..."**_

Upon reaching Mack's house, Quinn was relieved to find the get-together in full swing. It meant she could slip in undetected amongst the chaos and didn't have to speak to anyone. This was rare during a skank gathering, seeing as it generally meant fewer bodies and therefore less anonymity than a full-blown party. Usually everyone looked to her to lead them and as a result take an active role in whatever debauchery was taking place, but this afternoon she was invisible. It was nice.

Apparently Mackenzie's older brother had boosted the guest-list by inviting a lot of his friends and Quinn gazed disinterestedly as they fought it out over Beer-Pong. One of the guys glanced at her, beckoning her over to play, but she didn't know the rules and she wasn't in the mood for games. She stared him out until he looked away uncomfortably. _He took the hint remarkably quickly for a boy_ she thought. She settled into a seat near the door, surveying her surroundings. She couldn't find the host anywhere. _She's probably all over one of these losers in an empty room. _Quinn fired out a text, hoping the girl would seek her so that she didn't have to stumble into anything that her eyes wouldn't be able to un-see. Last time she had tried to locate Mack she had found her with some trucker in her bedroom and the things she witnessed made Quinn blush. The other skanks had made fun of her, calling her a prude for a week afterwards, and she didn't want a repeat of any of that.

Moments later her wish was granted. A very worse for wear Mackenzie ambled over to her, yelling to be heard over the high volume generic Punk song that was blasting from the stereo. "Q! There you are! You've been missing one hell of a party! Where've you been, I thought we had plans to skip today?"Quinn didn't say anything but the other girl understood. "Your mom found the letter huh? I told you, you've got to get up early and intercept them, seriously, you should see how many I've got stashed and my dad is none the wiser."

Quinn wanted to ask where the girl's dad was, why he didn't care what she was doing or how he happily agreed to let his house be overrun by feral teens on a regular basis. Quinn couldn't though; they didn't have that kind of camaraderie. They didn't talk about anything real. To be honest, they didn't talk at all.

So she shrugged. "Whatever. I thought this was a party, go get me a drink."

The girl complied, fetching her an endless stream of drinks and soon Quinn was as wasted as anybody else. She had hoped the buzz would cheer her up, but it seemed to only serve to make her feel more disconnected. _I just want to have some fun! Is that too much to ask? _Apparently so because whilst everyone else was happy, dancing, making out, generally enjoying themselves, Quinn just couldn't force herself to be like them. She tried to join in, but her heart wasn't in it, and this time even she couldn't pretend otherwise. Everyone knew it, but only Mack seemed to care.

"What's up Q, even for you, this is a whole other level of depressed."

"Yeah, well, I have my reasons okay." Usually this was enough to make people drop it, but not this time.

"So tell me." Mack steered her onto the porch where it was quieter. She lit two cigarettes and passed one to Quinn. "A problem shared is a problem halved."

Quinn smirked. "Where did you get that, a hallmark card?" It was weird, this was probably the longest actually conversation the two of them had ever had. She didn't imagine that when they finally did speak Mack would be full of platitudes like this. She rolled her eyes in response.

"Is this about that Berry girl again? Jesus Q, you ended it with her months ago. You need to get under the sheets with someone else and forget about her, that's my advice. Fuck relationships, just take what you need and move on, that's my motto."

_It's not that simple_ Quinn wanted to say, _I love her_. There was no point. Mack didn't believe in love and she thought anyone who did was a sucker. Instead Quinn murmured in agreement and sucked on her cigarette thoughtfully. She took out her phone; it would be so easy to just call Rachel. _If we could just speak..._

The number didn't have chance to connect before the other girl snatched the phone and slid it into her own jacket. "No, just no. Friends don't let other friends' drunk dial, so I'm keeping this." She smiled, not even a little bit fearful of the very real possibility that the blonde might slap her, Quinn made an angry noise but Mack didn't relent. "I mean it, you need to loosen up, have a little fun. I promise I won't tell anyone that you put aside your angst for a night. Your reputation as an angry bitch will remain intact, I swear."

The girl crossed her heart earnestly, smiling so openly that Quinn couldn't help but shelve her anger and laugh. She couldn't believe that this was Mack standing in front of her, the toughest girl in school, not only looking out for her like a real friend, but also trying to make her feel better. "Thanks." She replied, tossing away her cigarette half-smoked and making a move to rejoin the party.

Mackenzie pulled her back with a gentle persistence that surprised Quinn. Suddenly they were standing close enough for her to feel the tickle of the other girl's breath on her cheek. Although it smelt of tobacco and stale liquor strangely the blonde didn't mind. Mack smoothed Quinn's hair, freeing her ear. "Guess what?" She whispered, "I'm the cure."

_What? _Before Quinn could formulate any form of reply, they were kissing. It felt odd, not bad, just different. The girl didn't kiss like she had expected, she had anticipated roughness, and an extension of the girl's well documented aggression, but Mackenzie kissed tenderly. It was soft, maybe it would have even been considered romantic in other circumstances. It threw Quinn and as a direct consequence it took her longer to pull away than she would have thought.

"What was that?" Quinn gasped breathlessly, wide-eyed in the semi-darkness.

"Relax. It was just a kiss; it doesn't mean I'm in love with you or anything." She licked her lips. "Nice." She grabbed Quinn arm, linking it with hers. "Now come on Lesbo, I'm sobering up out here."

Quinn watched her astonished for a second before she was forced by their entwined arms to stagger after her the other girl. _No big deal. It was just one kiss. _Nevertheless she found herself staring at Mack throughout the night, she saw her differently now. She had niceness about her. _Maybe we can be actual friends instead of just enduring each other for lack of a better option? _She wasn't sure if that was even something she should aspire towards. After all her last friendship was in tatters, she was hardly BFF material._ Fuck it _Quinn thought with a smile, _nobody else is queuing around the block to spend time with me, why shouldn't I?_ She decided to stop worrying and try and enjoy what was left of the evening.

Mack found her dancing later and winked. "See I told you. You feel better right? You can thank me anytime. Don't clap, throw money."

Quinn nodded, amused, because at that moment it was true. She did feel as close to being normal as her fucked up brain would allow. Whenever her thoughts wandered to places that she didn't want to visit, she took another drink or another drag and turned the music up louder. It worked mostly, the best she could hope for in any case.She grabbed her friend, that was how she thought of Mackenzie now, and they danced together, bobbing up and down in time to heavy drums and squealing guitars._ I can do this _Quinn told herself, _I learn to enjoy myself again._


	13. Drowning in the water

**Usual disclaimer and blah. Sorry for any UK slang or expressions that may have crept in.**

**I know I'm probably not very popular right now because of the distinct lack of Faberry but this isn't a fairytale so I can't just magic up some fluff right now. I hope you understand. **

**There are some awesome angsty Quinntana revelations and my guilty pleasure pairing of Mack/Quinn who I am calling "Quack" lol. I may be pretty much alone in this ship but hey, I dig it…**

**I hope you all enjoy it anyway. Faberry love is the goal as always. Let me know what you think. **

"_**I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. **__**Our scars remind us that the past is real. I tear my heart open just to feel. You channel all your pain and you're making me insane. I left my heart open, but you didn't understand...Why don't you just go home?"**_

The next few days passed in a familiar whirlwind of long nights and exhausting days, and for Quinn, the dizzying rush of parties proved a blessing. The hang-over's that resulted weren't always a drawback either like she had first thought. They guaranteed she didn't think about anything except getting through the drudgery of the school day and that was another coping strategy in itself. The nights were a welcome distraction of the kind she had been searching for since all this began. Finally she could shut her brain off and that was thanks to Mack and all the things she planned. It wasn't always parties; sometimes they just hung out at Mack's house watching bad TV or hung around the mall antagonising people that she referred to as "the normals". No matter what, Quinn was kept busy. The other girl had proved to be a valuable friend in that respect, tireless in her crusade to help Quinn get over Rachel. If Quinn had a bad day she made it her aim to get her smiling and laughing by the end of the night, she didn't always succeed but at least she was trying. It seemed like everyone else had given up on Quinn.

In turn, the blonde kept her side of the deal and made sure that the other girl attended school every day, sleeping on the couch so that she could drag the brunette out of bed if necessary. She didn't want her being kicked out, Mackenzie was an excellent wingman and Mckinley High would suck without her. The two girls increased closeness didn't go unnoticed by the other Skanks, Shelia and Ronnie, but aside from the odd nasty wisecrack now and again it wasn't overtly mentioned. They knew their place in the pecking order and Quinn had dealt with worse abuse when she had first started dating Rachel, so it didn't bother her.

She was more concerned about Rachel or Santana picking up on the change in her, she couldn't help but worry about what they might think in spite of the fact that they both had no interest in Quinn's affairs these days, or so they wanted it to seem. Quinn knew better though. Santana wore her heart on her sleeve; she always had, in spite of her tough exterior. She cared, she was fooling nobody. Quinn saw the pointed glances that the cheerleader flung her way as the girls walked arm in arm through the halls. Jealousy radiated off her, but there was nothing Quinn could do to appease the girl, so she just walked on.

Rachel's feelings were harder to fathom. There wasn't much sign of her except during the confines of the classroom. _What are you thinking? _Quinn had tried to engage the other girl, desperate to provoke her into betraying some kind of reaction by any means, but it was all useless. Rachel was blank, no longer an open book. She kept her head down, her mouth shut and her face expressionless. _Are you still in there? Let me in!_ Quinn wanted to scream but it wasn't her place anymore._ So whose place is it?_ Judging by the bewildered look on Finn's face Rachel was avoiding him as well. It was selfish and she hated herself for it, Rachel was obviously struggling, but all she could think was how happy it made her that the boy was out of the picture. _I'm such a bad person._

She was mulling over all of this, debating whether she should go on over to Rachel's house and try and talk to her again when Mack sidled up to her. Quinn had been occupying a table with Ronnie in the lunchroom. The girls were sat in silence and Quinn was busy poking the contents of her tray with mild disgust while Ronnie, unperturbed, ate hungrily. Quinn slid her tray over and smiled at Mack in greeting. The kiss surprised her. It was the first time that the other girl had made advances towards her in public; after all, they weren't a couple, neither of them wanted that, they were just friends who made out occasionally in the privacy of Mack's house. Quinn responded automatically, it was only when the other girl's tongue flicked into her mouth that Quinn remembered where she was. It occurred to her not only what she was doing, but who she was doing it with and she jumped back, nearly knocking over her abandoned lunch.

"What are you doing!" She exclaimed, freaking out slightly. _What if Rachel saw? _ She had to resist the urge to glance around, she couldn't be that obvious. She was single and trying to move on after all. Rachel had as good as told her too. _I can't do this, I'm not ready_ she'd said. It still felt wrong though.

"Don't have a coronary Q! Jesus what's up? Am I really that repulsive, because I didn't hear you complaining last night?" Quinn thought back to the steamy make-out session that was only halted when Mack's brother came home and walked in on them. She took a shaky breath.

Quinn kept her voice closed off, acting unaffected, as if she hadn't just nearly leapt out of her skin. "I'm not in the mood alright. I don't remember giving you permission to jump me every 5 seconds. It's cool though, there's no need to act like such a girl about it. You're not my girlfriend so don't take it so personally." She added a sarcastic comment, smirking maliciously, mainly for Ronnie's benefit. "Don't cry. I'm not breaking up with you baby." It worked and the larger girl guffawed. The audience's focus had shifted, she watched Mack spoiling for a fight and Quinn could suck in air again, knowing that she had turned the spotlight onto Mack instead of her.

Mack didn't react. "Whatever. Are you coming for a smoke or not?"

Ronnie was clearly disappointed and turned back to her plate, but Quinn was calmed. She didn't want to fight Mack, aside the risk to their friendship, there was also the danger to Quinn's physical wellbeing. The other girl was meaner and more experienced. It wasn't a fight the blonde would win and she didn't fancy any bruises or broken bones. She was happy that Mackenzie had worked out enough to see her intent and not be offended. Quinn briefly wondered if Mack ever took anything to heart.

"Why not." Quinn muttered. Once they were out, she glanced at Mack with a silent sorry and the brunette nodded, pulling her along. Quinn couldn't worry now; it had happened and if anyone saw it was out of her hands. _Let them chalk it up to another spectacular fuck up in the life of Quinn Fabray. It'll give them something to talk about at any rate._

She was walking through the parking lot at the end of what had eventually shaped up to be a largely uneventful day when she felt the force of a body slam into her, knocking her sideways against the hood of her car. "What the fuck-"she began before being silenced by a hard blow to her face. "Santana?" The cheerleader was pulling at her hair now, her face contorted with rage.

"You are such a slut Fabray. Are you fucking her now?"

Now that the initial shock had subsided, Quinn was able to push the other girl away. "That's none of your business."

"I'll take that as a yes. What happened to your great enduring love with Berry? Did you forget all that once in a lifetime shit that you spouted? Or was it that the hobbit finally woke up to you and ditched your loser ass for good?"

"Shut up. Don't talk about Rachel ever, have you got that?" Quinn snarled, her whole stance indicating that she meant every word and she was willing to prove it.

Santana smirked and it looked as though she was going to push Quinn further. Until Quinn looked up and their eyes locked, all the cheerleader's anger fell away. She looked sad and lost. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. "Well maybe now you know how it feels." She whispered.

_I always knew. I never stopped_. "Santana…"

"Save it." The cheerleader spat back before Quinn could even begin to say all the things that she needed to. Santana's words carried haltingly through the onslaught of tears. "I could almost handle what you did to me when I thought it meant you and Rachel…who was I to stand in the way of what the two of you had? But you and her, you tossed me aside for...do you even care that you…?"

Then she was gone as quickly as she had appeared, leaving Quinn alone with the bombshell. The blonde had been so busy up until now trying to limit the damage done to Rachel that she didn't stop to consider that Santana's hurt may stem from more than the destroyed friendship. Ironically today, when Mack kissed her, was the first time in ages that Quinn had even thought of how her friend might be dealing with this whole sorry mess. _I have been so blind._

She hadn't wanted to see that Santana was still as raw as the day it happened. It was obvious in hindsight that Santana's hurt and anger stemmed from more than just Quinn's betrayal; she was burdened by the secret she carried. _She's in love with me._ All the things about the other side of the story that Quinn had refused to recognize because she was too wrapped up in her own feelings, had suddenly been blown into the forefront. The revelation drove all the air from her lungs. _I've been so blinkered and selfish._

Quinn got in her car. She sat there for a while lost in her thoughts as the engine idled. _Just when I try and move on from the mistakes I made with one girl, another arrives to remind me how impossible it all is. There are just too many regrets like an anchor around my heart. What do I do?_ She drove. There was only one place she could think that would have the key to even beginning to fix this. Problem was, after how they had left things during the last appointment, Quinn wasn't sure if she'd even be welcome.

She stumbled to the desk and eyed the receptionist. It wasn't the usual lady that she dealt with; this girl was fresh out of college, barely older than she was, green around the gills and very flustered. It was a joke that woman was the only thing standing in her way of what could be her final chance of salvation. Her fingers tapped the wood impatiently gaining the girl's attention. "Quinn Fabray, I'm here to see Doctor Monroe. Tell her it's urgent."


	14. Give it one more try

**Usual blah blah blah. **

**To reassure those readers again who are worried, this will always be a Faberry fic. I may sidebar some other couplings like Quack or Quinntana to keep you on your toes but I'm not deserting the ship. **

**Bear with me, we are working towards some resolution and I plan for the next chapter to be full of everyone's favourite couple. So bear with me folks, I promise, everything is Faberry and nothing hurts.**

**Until then, Quinn's going to begin to work on some of her shit. It's about time. Quite a short chapter but it moves things along nicely. Let me know what you think.**

**Bonus points to anyone who spots the epic **_**Skins**_** and the **_**10 things I hate about you**_** quotes. I'm a shameless thief and you love it lol.**

"_**The last thing I remember, you were begging me not to go. You had that look of sadness on your face that only I would know. I thought a lot about the summers passed. Your hair in your eyes, we always thought that those days would last. We felt so hard.**_ _**I know it was wrong of me to try to throw this all away. "**_

When Quinn was finally motioned in, she felt a sense of reprieve. The doctor hadn't deserted her, maybe it wasn't too late to try and salvage the wreckage she had made of her life before things got any worse. She took a seat. Doctor Monroe watched her silently, waiting.

"I'm sorry." Quinn mumbled. "I'm ready."

"I hope you mean it this time Quinn, because the hard work can't really start if you've got one foot out of the door."

"I mean it. I need to do this. I need your help."

"Okay then. Why don't you start by telling me what's happened since we last met?" The therapist replied, her tone encouraging.

Quinn unburdened herself, recounting the whole sorry tale. She skipped nothing, she didn't want to spare herself anything, and the truth was required, whether or not it painted her in a negative light. When she had finished she took a deep breath and asked the question she had been dying to since she came in. "What do you do if someone you love lets you down? Really fucks you over?"

The doctor considered for a moment. "You have a choice. You can either forgive them or you can try to move on, stop loving them. Neither option is easy."

Quinn swallowed down her tears, blinking rapidly. That was the response she had expected, but it didn't soften the blow knowing it was coming. "I'm that person. I've messed up and hurt two people that didn't deserve it. What would your advice to them be, should they forgive me or are we beyond that?"

"Quinn you know I can't tell you that. It would be up to them, I would just ask them what they wanted to do. What do you think, what's best for Rachel, Santana and for you? Do those answers tally? Do you all want the same things?"

Quinn thought hard, scrambling for an answer. "I don't know." She admitted finally. "I thought the best thing was pushing them away. It seemed better to try and move on, but that hasn't worked, not for any of us."

"So, that leaves forgiveness then. How do you think you can work towards that?"

The truth was, she had no idea. It was a mammoth task and every time she tried, she seemed to set her back. It was like quicksand and she kept getting stuck deeper and deeper each time she tried to free herself. _I can't fuck it up this time. _She thought then of Rachel, the way she had refused to give up and it gave her courage. _I'm not saying never again_ she had said. Quinn smiled; it was a flicker of hope, if she could just find a way to turn that spark into a flame she would be getting somewhere.

"I need to accept responsibility for what I did and prove to Rachel that I am worth trusting again." It sounded so simple, laid out like that, but it was going to be far from easy.

"I pushed her away because I was scared that she'd leave me, for Finn, for New York, for Broadway, it didn't matter, she'd be gone. There is no point kidding myself, she was the best thing in my life, it hurt so much when she wasn't around even for a little while. How could I cope if she was that far away all the time? I depended on her so much; I was worried I'd suffocate her. That may be true, but I can't be without her either. I need some middle ground. You need to help me with that."

"I understand Quinn. We will work on that I promise. The important thing is that you take things slowly with Rachel at the moment. When you see her, no big gestures, just be there and be patient."

It was good advice. Quinn decided that she didn't care if it took until after graduation she wouldn't give up. She would follow Rachel to New York if that's what she had to do. The school year suddenly seemed too short. _I've wasted so much time. _ She tried not to dwell on that and concentrate instead on the time she had left. _I've got to think positively._

The rest of the session, they talked about Quinn's life before Rachel, her parents, her childhood all that stuff. It was obvious to Quinn that the doctor was trying to get to the root, try and discover how she came to be so fucked up and hold such a pessimistic view of herself. She let the doctor delve into her past; she wanted to remember if she had been happy before Rachel. _Was I? _It seemed strange to recall those times; Rachel Berry had been her only focus for so long now. Quinn didn't need a shrink to tell her that wasn't healthy.

Then there was Santana. _Can we ever be friends again?_ They had both changed, Quinn more than the Latina, but the cheerleader nonetheless was different. Quinn had no idea how to navigate Santana's altered feelings for her. _How long had she been feeling like that? _When she saw her again, her love, now that Quinn was aware of it, would be like an elephant in the room. _Do we talk about it? What can I say? _Quinn didn't think _I'm sorry _or _I didn't know _would be sufficient. If she said the wrong thing, she risked Santana being beyond her reach as a friend forever. It was a potential minefield. She had to be careful. _Maybe I should just back off? _Quinn wished she could talk to Rachel about this. The brunette always knew what to do.

Quinn was reminded of a plaque that used to hang in her father's office. It was kind of a running joke that her father wasn't the most tolerant of people, so her mother had got it him as a gift one Christmas. The words had stuck, lingering somewhere in her subconscious. It was a simple enough concept, nothing profound, but it seemed appropriate for this situation_. Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy. _Quinn thought that whoever wrote that was preaching to the choir right now._  
><em>  
>The session ended and Quinn was left with as many questions as before she arrived. It did feel better to know that she taking the first steps towards really changing. She didn't want to be the girl that everyone saw as a beautiful disaster anymore. She went to meet Mack. It was important to her to end the flirtation between them before it deepened into anything else. She couldn't risk doing to Mack what she had done to Santana.<p>

"Whatever. I was getting bored anyway." Quinn's brow furrowed, the girl was taking this remarkably well, she tried to scrutinise whether Mackenzie was hiding anything, hiding behind a poker face but she seemed sincere. _If she's bluffing, I should take her to Vegas because we'd clean up. _

"We're still friends then?" Quinn was surprised to find how much she had come to enjoy the friendship Mack offered. Her relief when the girl nodded was barely palatable. She grinned. At least there was one relationship in her life that she hadn't managed to destroy.

"Come on, I'm hungry. You're buying me dinner, purely platonically of course."

Quinn grinned and followed on. The restaurant they went to was a dive, but it didn't ID and the wine flowed. Quinn was happy. She had a plan now, something to work towards. She wasn't drifting anymore. It felt good._ I can do this. _The words weren't hollow any longer she believed them, maybe for the first time. Also she wasn't alone. That was comforting too.

"You're in an excellent mood considering you've denied yourself the best action you've had in months, possibly ever. Let's face it. Moi, I'm as good as it gets." Mackenzie joked when she could take no more of Quinn's soppy smiles. "It's unsettling. Who are you and where is Quinn Fabray?"

"I'm going to get her back, whatever it takes." She declared happily, buoyed by the Dutch courage in her glass. _They could talk about things like this now couldn't they?_ Quinn hoped so. It made it more real sharing her plans, saying them to someone besides herself or Dr Monroe.

"Rachel? What's the deal with this chick, does she have beer flavoured nipples?"

Quinn snorted, nearly squirting cheap house wine out of her nose. She just shook her head. She knew Mackenzie wouldn't understand. The girl continued, her tough exterior worn away by the booze. The alcohol impaired her and she forgot she wasn't supposed to care about matters of the heart.

"Alright then, I'm going to help you." She stated loudly. "It's not because I want to, you understand, but because, if I don't, you'll only fuck it all up and I'm not so good at dealing with the crying and shit. Okay?"

Quinn squeezed the girl's arm. It was good to have Mackenzie in her corner, even if the girl was heavy-handed. The rest of the night was spent with Mack regaling Quinn with tales of how she had "wooed" her various boyfriends. Mack had decided hearing these stories would be some benefit to Quinn. They weren't, not really. The girl's conquests mostly consisted of truckers, college drop-outs and small-time drug dealers. It quickly became clear that none of Mack's "tactics" would be suitable, but Quinn listened intently anyway. She hadn't laughed so hard in ages. She let her mind wander for a moment and allowed herself to ponder what Rachel might be doing now. She pictured the brunette buried in homework, studying with Kurt and Mercedes. She discovered it didn't hurt to think about the girl and Quinn realised that because of that she was no longer dreading waking up tomorrow. _Things are finally looking up_.


	15. Acceptance

**Okay so I now I promised a faberry rich chapter, this didn't go according to plan. All the finchel threw me and I kind of had writer's block hence the short chapter. I'm sorry. **

**I hope it goes some way to soothing you after that ridiculous episode. Rachel was so lovely, shame all her love is focused on such an undeserving candidate. That is yet more proof if you ever needed it that I don't own Glee.**

**Let me know what you think. I'm not entirely happy with it, so feedback is welcomed. This chapter is set a couple of weeks after the previous, and Quinn is well into therapy. **

"_**Will you welcome this confession? Oh you're everything I'm wanting and come to think of it, I'm aching. I've been moving in so slow; don't let it throw you off too far. Could this be out of line?**____**To say you're the only one breaking me down like this.**____**I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..."**_

Everybody had noticed a difference in Quinn. To her classmates it was purely aesthetic; they saw how she favoured simple black skinny jeans and T-shirts now. She flashed less skin and was no longer compelled to shock with her wardrobe. There wasn't a total transformation however. Her hair remained shocking pink and fell untamed around her face, her eyes were still framed by black kohl and the nose ring was there to stay, so mostly they dismissed the subtle changes. Quinn still hung around with Mack so as far as the fellow pupils were concerned, she was still a skank and someone to be avoided. For her teachers, the changes were bigger. Quinn was trying, she was less aggressive and more attentive in class, her attendance had improved dramatically and her grades were climbing.

Most importantly for Quinn, Rachel Berry had noticed too. Nobody else would have picked up on the understated modifications in behaviour; they were so slight, a lingering glance, the flex of fingers against a desk, a shy smile, but Quinn savoured it all. Rachel wasn't avoiding her anymore, she saw that the blonde was trying and she responded in kind. It might not seem like much, but to Quinn it was everything. It was a fresh start, it was progress. They hadn't actually spoken, Quinn was mindful of Dr Monroe's advice; she had to be ease into this gently. She was desperate to talk to Rachel and it took every inch of her willpower each day to resist from pulling the girl aside, whether into the bathroom, an empty classroom, or any secluded corner of the school. That was dangerous and could prove counterproductive. When they were alone things tended to spiral and she didn't want to push them into a territory that neither girl was ready for, she had done enough of that.

"I think it's great what you are doing." Puck's casual remark caught Quinn off-balance. She feigned ignorance, forcing him to elaborate. "You know, with therapy and all. It's pretty obvious that you've been taking it more seriously and I know Rachel thinks-"

Quinn's heart stopped at the mention of the brunette's name. _Rachel had been talking to Puck about her, that meant she must be thinking about her a lot, maybe even more than Quinn had suspected. _"Tell me everything." She blurted, not caring that her tone was gushing and her words sounded cheesy. She had to know. It didn't even matter that her therapy secret was out. For once Quinn was glad that Rachel deemed it appropriate to confide in the most indiscrete person ever. She couldn't talk to Rachel directly yet, she wasn't ready to, but at least she could get some insight into how the girl was reacting. _How does she feel? What's she thinking?_

"Rachel is so overjoyed that you are getting your life back on track. I'm paraphrasing here but she says that it's like you've been away for a long time, but each time she sees you it's like another piece of you has reassembled. She feels that connection again; the one she felt to the old you, like she recognises you again at last."

Quinn frowned. "I'm not the person I was at the start of the year, but I'm not the Quinn from last year either. If that's who Rachel wants then, I'm sorry, but I can't go back."

Puck shook his head, wringing his hands. He took a deep breath, speaking slowly as though addressing a child. Quinn sighed, but waited him out; she was an expert in endurance and serenity. _That's a joke _she thought, but listened intently nonetheless.

"You are misunderstanding me Quinn, it isn't that she wants the old you. You should let her explain, I'm no good at all this, but I think that Rachel identifies again all the things within you that she fell for in the first place. The strengths that you are using to pick yourself up now, they are the same qualities that she thought you'd lost sight of, but the quiet determination that you used to woo her, the patience, the self-assurance, they are all coming into play again now. Does that make sense?"

Quinn smiled because it did. She had changed a lot, but she wasn't unrecognisable from the person she used to be, the opposite in fact. She felt like she had rediscovered a lot about herself, and it seemed that as a result, she had become a better version of the girl she used to be, or at least was on the right road to doing so. Rachel had known this and that was what Puck was inarticulately trying to express. Everything he said was so quintessentially Rachel that there was doubt it had come from the girl herself. Suddenly she was overwhelmed by the desire to hear these things from Rachel's own lips. _It would be alright if they just talked wouldn't it? _ Quinn began walking with more purpose. _It had to be, she had put this off for long enough._

As Quinn approached the bathroom, a million images flooded her subconscious, the memories of so many exchanges between the two of them. She had never comprehended just how many pivotal moments between them seemed linked to these stalls. It was fitting that they would do this in a place that held such significance. "Rachel? Are you in here?" Quinn called loudly, the words escaped in the instant she become aware of shiny Mary Jane's peeping out through the gap in the door. The door was unlocked with deliberate slowness and they were face to face. Quinn bit her lip. "Can we talk?"

Rachel nodded, her eyes never leaving Quinn's face. Under her stare the blonde was suddenly bashful. All she could manage was a simple greeting "Hi."

"Hi." Rachel whispered back.

"I won't ask if we can be in love again."

Rachel exhaled loudly. "Quinn…"

"Please hear me out. I need to say this. I'm so sorry that I made it impossible to love me, but I wanted to let you know that I'm trying hard not to be that girl anymore. I want to be here for you, in whatever way you will let me. I will show you that I can be someone trustworthy, reliable, that you can count on, all the things I wasn't when we were dating. I'm not trying to rush you, I know you said you weren't ready, we can take things slow. Let's be friends like you wanted all that time ago, like you offered okay?"

Rachel nodded. She struck out her hand. "Friends."

Quinn returned the gesture and they shook hands smiling. _This is real progress _Quinn thought as she walked out with Rachel at her side. They travelled to class in easy silence. The blonde stole little glances at her former girlfriend, checking that she was as at ease as she appeared. They sat together over the course of the day. They talked. It was nice. Aside from the romance, Quinn had missed Rachel's friendship. She remembered the way they used to chat for hours and hours, never running out of things to say. Rachel always made her laugh. It made her happy to think they could get that back and that the brunette wanted to as much as she did. Things didn't have to be overcomplicated. They could just be.

"I'm glad therapy is going well for you Quinn." It was obvious she meant it.

"Me too." Quinn ignored the looks their quiet conversation was receiving from the teacher and continued. "What's been happening with you?" She wasn't just asking to be polite, she was genuinely interested.

Rachel smiled and launched into a long monologue about the school play. Quinn listened contentedly. She was glad to have a place in the other girl's life again, to hear about these things. Other people dismissed Rachel's rants or ambitions, but Quinn never had. Rachel's drive amazed her and she wouldn't want the diva to ever change. This was the Rachel Berry she knew and loved. Gone was the silent girl from a few weeks prior who wouldn't raise her head or utter a word. _Welcome back_ Quinn thought, referring to herself just as much as Rachel. It felt right to be here like this, this was where she belonged and she wasn't going to mess it up again.

They parted ways later that day when Rachel was summoned to an emergency play rehearsal. Quinn had to restrain herself so she wouldn't follow. _Letting Rachel out of my sight isn't a bad thing. _Dr Monroe would be proud. Reluctantly she went the other way, towards the parking lot._ Patience_ she told herself. She managed to look back only once.

It was Rachel who turned and stopped in her tracks for a moment, looking at Quinn. "It was never impossible to love you." She called through the emptying hallway. "I hate the way it ended, but otherwise I don't regret a single second. I just needed you to know _that_." Quinn watched dumbstruck as Rachel hurried away. She had never wanted to kiss her more. _Fuck. This whole friendship thing was going to be harder than she had predicted._


	16. No regrets

**Glee is not mine. Deal with it.**

**Here I am again, my writers block firmly behind me. I have ideas for what's going to happen within the next two chapters, and then I think there will be one or maybe two more to conclude the story. The end is in sight people. It's always sad to end a fic but I hope you've enjoyed the ride and that you like where it is still headed.**

**Again, this is set a little while after the previous, so Rachel and Quinn have been friends for a while, maybe a week or two. However long you like really…**

**Thanks for all the amazing reviews and feedback. It makes me happier than you'll ever know. **

"_**There's a fire in your eyes and I hope you'll let it burn. There's a scream in your voice and I hope you will be heard. Even if it seems like the world is crashing on you, you shouldn't let it hold you down.**_ _**Relax girl, it'll be alright…"**_

One phone call changed everything. Quinn was finally starting to believe that there really was light at the end of the tunnel, but those three words threatened to stall all the good progress she had dared to make. _I'm getting married. _It was typical of her father to drop a bombshell like that over the phone, leaving nothing to cushion the blow. Russell had been happy with Quinn's steps forward and her return to therapy. He promised to be there for her more, try and be a real father again, but the evidence of this was far from forthcoming and now she knew why. It didn't make the disappointment lessen at all though. Quinn had been excited at the prospect of getting to spend time with her father again, but that had now all been thrown aside, for new, bigger plans.

It wasn't that she was jealous or that she didn't want her dad to be happy; she couldn't begrudge him a new life when the old one was so spectacularly fucked up. It was just that there was nothing waiting for him in Lima, and that was part of the problem. Quinn wasn't sure where she fit into this fairytale ending. He'd already left her once, and she'd made her peace with that, but now he'd have even less incentive to visit. _He didn't have time for me much before, what chance do I have now? _ She tried to think positively, imagine herself bonding with her dad over the wedding, but every time she imagined it, she saw only her and Melissa, shopping for bridesmaid dresses or flowers. Her dad didn't materialise and Quinn was all too aware of the fact that this was the likely reality she faced. Just when she thought she was getting her life back together, her dad was drifting further away. That piece of the puzzle eluded her and Quinn was scared of how she might deal with that. _He's just getting married, he's not moving to China. It's okay. We can still work things out._

It made her feel slightly better to think like that, but aside from her own feelings, another heavy burden was resting on Quinn. Her mother, she would have to tell her. The temptation to call Mack and get drunk, blow it off, was so strong but Quinn forced herself to resist. She was trying to forge healthier, happier relationships with her family and even if her father was intent of unintentionally sabotaging her, she couldn't do it to herself. She thought of Rachel, the reconnection they had made over the last few weeks. They had managed it, so if that was possible there was hope for anyone. However, the bonds were still fragile, and Quinn didn't want to do anything to set them back. Drinking too much would mean falling into old patterns and wouldn't really solve anything either. Getting her life back was too important to risk now.

More to the point, her mom deserved to know, and she should hear it from her. Her dad wouldn't pass the news along. It was her job. She had to do it. It was daunting. Her mom had taken the divorce badly. Even now, it was obvious that Judy expected her ex-husband to walk through the door as if nothing had ever happened. Quinn was going to have to shatter that illusion and there was a very good chance that her mother would cope with it in her default manner, by falling into the bottom of a bottle. _Like mother, like daughter _Quinn reflected bitterly, but she pushed that thought away. Dr Monroe had been helping her to realise that the answer to her problems didn't lie at the bottom of a glass, and she'd have to do the same for her mom. There was the niggling doubt of _what if I'm not strong enough?_ But Quinn couldn't dwell on that, she had to be, there was nobody else.

"Mom, we need to talk." It was concise, to the point, blunt. _Being the bearer of bad news never really did suit me. _"Can you please sit down?"

Judy did as requested but her face paled and she perceptibly braced herself for whatever was coming. "What's wrong honey?" Quinn could detect the unspoken question _what did you do now? _She didn't take it to heart, being blamed, she'd put her mom through a lot of shit lately.

"It's dad. He called me. He's…he's getting married. I thought I should tell you before you heard it from somebody else." She replied awkwardly.

Judy didn't take it well. When she began shouting and cursing, Quinn tried to reason with her, but that only meant that her mom turned her rage on her. "This is all your fault!" Quinn had expected this. _So much for not shooting the messenger. _"If you were a better daughter he wouldn't have left. What chance did we ever have of him coming back; you shut him out, made him feel unwelcome in his own home! You did this. Lately, all your behaviour, that was the last straw, is it any wonder he wanted to start again? I wish I could've washed my hands of you too!" Quinn had thought all this things herself, and more, but hearing them from her mother was different. She had never seen her mom like this. It hurt that she thought so little of her own daughter. Quinn had been far from perfect, she wasn't kidding herself otherwise, but she thought they'd put the past behind them recently. Apparently, her mom had been harbouring some resentment.

When Judy reached for the martini, ignoring Quinn's pleas, she knew it was time to go. It was useless to stay; her mother couldn't be reasoned with. It was better to give her some space and try and reach her again in the cold light of a new day. Her feet carried her to the one place she had always been welcomed with open arms, the Berry residence. Rachel only needed to take one look at her to see that everything had gone wrong. She didn't ask needless questions, she just made some hot chocolate and waited.

Quinn picked at her rapidly melting marshmallows awhile before answering. This scenario was so well etched into the tapestry of their relationship, that in spite of her upset, Quinn smiled, reminiscing. She didn't want to ruin the moment, but on the other hand she didn't think she could hold back any longer. "My dad is getting remarried." The words hung there, oddly flat. The sentence seemed so benign. It didn't fit.

"How did Judy take it?" This was one of those times when Quinn was glad Rachel knew her so well. She didn't have to explain, Rachel had got to the route of the problem herself.

"Not well. I had to get out of the house. She's going to take some sobering up, and I didn't feel up to that task just at the moment." She paused. "I hope you don't mind me coming here." It hadn't crossed her mind until then that this might be awkward for the brunette.

"You know that you are always welcome here. We're friends now Quinn, I'm glad you came to me." Rachel sipped her hot chocolate thoughtfully, and when she spoke again, her voice was hesitant, as if she was weighing up how much to say. "If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you go to Mackenzie's house? You too seem…close."

It struck Quinn that Rachel may know more than she thought about her and Mack. Strangely though, she was thankful. It felt good to hear that tinge of jealousy in Rachel's voice. She still cared. "Yeah well, her solution of calling my dad a bastard and downing tequila shots would only get me so far. I didn't think it was a wise decision." She had meant it as a joke, although it was partly true, Rachel frowned. It was clear that she was also worried about the effect this would have and whether the old Quinn would resurface.

"Tell me honestly Quinn, are you okay about this?"

Quinn sighed. "I don't know. I'm happy for him, but I can't help feeling sad too. Is that selfish? I just want him in my life and I'm scared I've lost him now."

Rachel took her hand, looking deep into her eyes. It was comforting. "It isn't selfish. He's your dad. You need him. You should talk to him, properly, face to face. Tell him how you feel."

"Thanks Rach. I will. You always know what to say."

Rachel smiled. "I'm always here; I want you to remember that." Quinn pulled her into a hug. She meant it, Rachel always knew how to make her feel better in a way nobody else could. Quinn had missed that.

Suddenly Rachel recoiled, crying out in pain at the contact. Quinn jumped back alarmed. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing." Rachel replied quickly, but she looked on the verge of tears.

"Lift up your shirt." Quinn demanded. When Rachel didn't move she gathered the fabric in her hands and moved it aside herself, she was shocked by what she discovered. Rachel tried to pull away and cover herself but Quinn held firm. She gasped. "What happened?" Rachel's back was crisscrossed by a layer of deep bruising. Each mark was in full bloom, horribly vivid against her tone of her skin.

"It was an accident, she didn't mean to…" Rachel mumbled, Quinn finally conceding and letting her pull her shirt back into place.

"Who did this?" Even as the question slipped out, the answer dawned on her. There was only one person that it conceivably could be. _Santana._ "I'm going to kill her." Quinn growled.

"Please Quinn, don't do anything to her. That's why I didn't tell you. You're better than this. Just forget about it."

"I can't just let it go. She hurt you, that's not okay Rach, not ever. I need to sort this out; it's gone on long enough. I can't let you suffer because of me. I'll deal with it." She was half way out the door already, everything else forgotten.

"Promise me you won't be violent to her." The words were softly spoken but they carried. Quinn stopped in her tracks, her fury melted slightly by Rachel's concern.

"I swear. I'm just going to talk to her." Quinn intended to abide by that statement; her fighting days were behind her.

"Just stay here. You don't have to do this."

Quinn almost relented, but she knew that the problems with Santana weren't going anywhere. She couldn't bury her head about this anymore. "I give you my word, we'll just talk and then I'll come straight back."

Rachel looked dubious but Quinn was adamant that this was a promise she was going to keep. _I love you. _Quinn thought. _I'm doing this for us. _Santana was her last regret. Right now, she was either going to build a bridge or burn it forever, but one way or another; she was going to solve things with the Latina. "Wish me luck." Quinn whispered. _I have a feeling I'm going to need it._


	17. Make up for all those missing pieces

**Okay, so, I'm trying to get the chapters up quick since for once I actually have some idea what's going to happen before I start writing. It's a novelty. I'm trying to do as much writing as I can while I'm not busy because December is a full month and the fics may get neglected then. I would hate to leave you all waiting that long when we are so near the end.**

**It's overall a happy chapter. Ends on a good note, ready for the fluffy Faberry to come, I really hope you like it.**

**I saw Evanescence on Sunday supported by The Pretty Reckless; It was a really good show, so in honour of that here is an awesome song for the intro called "Oceans" from Evanescence's new album, I think it's perfect for the Quinntana friendship struggle.**

"_**Don't wanna be the one to walk away, but I can't bear the thought of one more day. Can't find the road to lead us out of this, a million miles from where we burned the bridge,  
>can't keep pretending that everything's gonna be alright. Falling so far from where we were before…"<strong>_

Arriving at Santana's house it was straightforward for Quinn to gain entry. There was some kind of family gathering going on, which meant lots of people coming and going throughout. She seemed to have a knack for slipping into places undetected. No easy feat when her bright pink hair shone like an accidental flare fired in contrast to the other guests. Quinn located Santana easily, she was talking noisily in Spanish to a group that Quinn thought she faintly recognised as the girl's cousins. She marched over undeterred. _Having an audience isn't going to save you. _A single stinging slap across her cheek was enough to get the Latina's attention. _Sorry Rachel, it was just once. _Quinn thought, imagining that Rachel would secretly appreciate the dramatic flair. The cheerleader looked as though she was going to strike back, before remembering her surroundings. She had no choice but to mind her manners under the watchful eye of her entire family and settled for muttering obscenities under her breath that Quinn chose to ignore.

"Upstairs, now." Quinn snarled. As the other girl led the way to her room, the blonde stared daggers into her back with every step, biding her time until they were alone.

"What the fuck Q? Could you make more of a scene, it's my _abuela_'s birthday, and I don't recall sending an invite so what are the hell are you even doing here?"

"That depends, what the fuck do you think _you_ are doing hurting Rachel?" Quinn retorted angrily as the bedroom door clicked shut. "I told you she was off limits, and I warned you not to go near her, so are you stupid or do you just have a death wish?"

"She told you?" Santana's fury had abated now and Quinn noticed she looked more than a little afraid. "It was an accident, I swear. We were arguing and she slipped, I may have pushed her a little but I didn't expect her to go flying down the steps like that, honestly." She looked at Quinn with sincerity that she couldn't fake._ Acting never was her strong suit. _ "She's alright though, isn't she?"

Her voice was small and anxious, but Quinn refused to feel any sympathy. "If you call covered in bruises alright, then yes." She snapped back. The blonde took a deep breath and tried to get her temper under control. They stood in silence for a moment, eyes locked in a unvoiced battle, waiting to see who would break first and acknowledge the elephant in the room. Quinn decided it should be her. That was the right thing; it was why she had come. _We need to stop this. _

"Look, we were friends once and I know I have no right to ask anything of you seeing as I was the one who fucked things up, but please, leave Rachel alone. Your problem is with me. I'm here now so say whatever you want, call me all the names under the sun if you must, but when I leave this room, whatever happens, that's the end of it. Okay?"

She hadn't expected a speech and eyed Santana nervously, trying to gage her reaction. The girl nodded reluctantly and Quinn felt like she could finally breathe. She took a seat on the edge of the bed, fiddling with her hair as she waited for Santana to speak. _Say anything. Just talk to me. _The wall of stony silence she was greeted with reminded her of her early days in therapy and she almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. It was like she had come full circle. _Put some glasses on me and I could be the Dr Monroe of this scene. _

"If you want to get back to the party before your grandmother's next birthday, we are going to have to start talking."

Santana exhaled loudly. "Fine, but I'm not going to magically forgive you, I'm not Rachel, and so you can't flutter your eyelashes and fix everything."

Quinn could feel her frustration rising to the surface again and she bit down on the inside of her cheek for a split second before answering. "Is that what you think I did? Really? I've worked so hard to get here. I've been going to therapy three times a week, it's far from easy." Santana's face scoffed at Quinn's progress so she issued a challenge. "You try it? I dare you. I bet you wouldn't even last a week." The words were barely out before she was scribbling the details on a scrap of paper and thrusting it into the other girl's hand.

"I'm not some pathetic loser, I don't need to pour my heart out to some stranger, I only have one problem and that's you, what you did to me. " Her voice was pure venom and Quinn felt the force of every drop with each syllable. "You made me feel all these things and then you just snatched it away." A single tear rolled down her cheek.

Quinn didn't know what to say. She had run out of ways to say sorry. Words were failing her again. _There's nothing I can say. _It was that simple. _I ripped her heart out and stomped on it, how do I make up for that?_ She did the only thing that seemed right, she held the Latina, gently rocking her as she cried. Santana resisted at first, but when it became clear that Quinn wasn't letting go, she let the force of her pent up emotions take over. Quinn wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. For once she wasn't watching the clock or itching to be somewhere else. This is where she needed to be.

Santana was eventually soothed and broke away. "I still hate you. I don't know if we can ever be friends again."

She smiled, unperturbed. There wasn't a quick fix for this. The words were softer though, and she'd said _I don't know, _that meant possibilities. Quinn was hopeful, she felt like she had gotten through the barriers just a little. _It's a start_. She picked up the piece of paper from where it lay discarded on the carpet. She smoothed it out carefully and pressed the sheet again into the girl's hand.

"Just think about it." Santana made a noncommittal noise but she didn't throw the address in the trash. She clutched it as Quinn left. "Tell your grandma I said sorry for interrupting and _feliz cumpleaños _or whatever." The smile of the cheerleaders face, begrudging though it was, and mainly aimed at her poor attempts at a Spanish accent, made Quinn happy. Despite what she'd said, leaving here wasn't the end, it was a new beginning.

She went back to Rachel's house feeling optimistic. The brunette didn't demand to know how it went but Quinn told her anyway. They had no secrets now.

"I'm proud of you. You've come a long way from the girl who seemingly had a black eye or bloody nose every five minutes. You talked things out and not just with Santana, but with me too. This is great Quinn."

"It's still hard to open up." Quinn admitted, blinking back tears at the brunette's sentiments.

"It's difficult for everyone to make themselves vulnerable to another person. Don't worry. Rome wasn't built in a day."

That was all Quinn needed to hear. Rachel had faith in her and Quinn believed in herself again too as a result_._ She'd almost forgotten what this felt like, to be worth something, to have somebody be proud of you. Quinn decided that she was going to hold on to that for as long as possible. She liked who she was now. _Quinn Fabray, resident fuck up is a thing of the past._ She remembered her mom at home with the liquor cabinet for company and shuddered. _I want to leave that shit behind, I've clawed my way out, and I don't want to be dragged back down. _

"Can I stay here tonight? My mom is probably passed out by now but I don't want to take the risk." Quinn felt exposed in that moment and she understood what Rachel meant; nevertheless she wasn't afraid to ask for help anymore. Dr Monroe had taught her the merits of that.

"Of course you can, I wouldn't dream of sending you home. I'll go make up the spare room." Rachel smiled and rushed off to sort out the sleeping arrangements.

Quinn couldn't help but think how lucky she was to have the brunette. It was a thought that occurred to her often, with increasing regularity. On the other hand, although it was preferable to being at home, she couldn't help but dread the night ahead. Knowing that Rachel was so close, sleeping with just one wall separating them was going to be a challenge. She knew that she'd want nothing more than to climb into bed with Rachel, but that was precisely what she couldn't do. _We're just friends now, nothing more. Take it slow, Remember?_ Tonight was going to be the most exquisite torture. To that end, Quinn stalled going to bed for as long as possible, but the fifth movie into their marathon, Rachel was yawning loudly and Quinn knew her time was up.

"Sweet dreams." Rachel called through the wall, jogging Quinn's memory of just how thin a barrier it was. The sound carried perfectly.

"Goodnight Rachel." Quinn replied softly.

She was sleepy but she was all too aware that the release of slumber was a long way off. She got out of bed and went to the window. Throwing it open wide, she had a pretty good view of the sky. Quinn looked out, her eyes lingering on the twinkling stars that made up the recognizable constellations. She took her time seeking them out and it made her feel calmer. There was no sound throughout the house. She had to resist the urge to go into Rachel's bedroom. _Watching your friends sleep isn't something you do. _Quinn wished she could though. She missed those moments when she could just lie awake and gaze at Rachel as much as liked. She had taken them for granted then. Quinn turned her attention back to the night. There weren't any shooting stars, but she made a wish anyway. She whispered her heart's desire into the dark like she had countless times throughout her childhood, but this was different, she'd never wanted anything to come true so strongly before.


	18. A lesson learned

**Hi guys! Sorry for the slight delay in updating, I had trouble deciding what song Quinn should sing. I finally settled on "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" a personal favourite of mine which fitted the situation and I imagined would work well acoustically with her voice. **

**Once again, the timeframe takes a jump forward, but I think it's allowed as this is the penultimate chapter. I'll be sad to end this story. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know.**

"_**I'm gonna pick up the pieces, and build a Lego house. When things go wrong we can knock it down. I'm gonna paint you by numbers and colour you in. If things go right we can frame it, and put you on a wall. Of all these things I've done I think I love you better now."**_

It was now or never._ Ask her. Just do it. _Russell's wedding was less than a week away and Quinn still hadn't plucked up the courage to ask Rachel to be her date. She'd had plenty of opportunities, none of which were better than now. Quinn and Rachel were studying in Rachel's bedroom, and there was no risk of any interruptions. Still, Quinn couldn't bring herself to say the words. It wasn't so much the notion of rejection that prevented her, but the knowledge of what she was risking. Her friendship with the brunette was firmly on solid ground, and Quinn was worried about altering that. Having Rachel in her life as a friend was more than she could have dared to hope for a few months ago. She decided to play it safe, leave the decision up to Rachel. It didn't have to be romantic, they could go as friends. _That would be okay wouldn't it?_

"Rach, can I ask you something?" The other girl looked up from her Spanish book at once and Quinn wondered if perhaps she knew what was coming. "I was wondering if you would like to come with me to my dad's wedding. You don't have to, I know it might be weird for you, given our history and that the fact that my whole family will be there, but I just thought that maybe…."

Rachel smiled. "I'd love to accompany you Quinn". The blonde felt a blush creeping over her cheeks and the back of her neck. "I thought you'd never ask." Rachel retorted as Quinn turned crimson.

"Sorry, I was…uh…working up to it, I guess." She stammered.

"I thought maybe you'd asked Mackenzie."

There was that jealous tone again and Quinn had to stop herself from grinning wickedly. She loved seeing Rachel's possessive side. "I considered it, but she really only feels comfortable at venues where there is sawdust on the floor. I hope you don't feel too bad about being my second choice." Quinn joked.

Rachel pouted adorably. "It's not funny Quinn, you know it makes me uncomfortable thinking about you and her."

Quinn didn't share the brunette's discomfort. It made her happy that she still had Mack. She'd expected their friendship to fizzle out as she made strides in therapy and left that "Skank" side of herself behind, but they remained close. Quinn felt extremely blessed that she could have them both in her life. Each girl was like an embodiment of her existence, old and new, polar opposites, it shouldn't work, but strangely it did. Quinn pulled Rachel into a hug. "I've told you before, you've got nothing to worry about, we're just friends."

"So are we, but…" Rachel let the thought trail off. Quinn understood. They both knew that their relationship was more than that these days, but it didn't mean that they were ready to talk about it yet.

Consumed by the whirlwind of high school life, homework and the splitting of her time between cleaning up after her mother and two very demanding friends, she found that the eve of the wedding arrived quickly. That morning, Quinn surveyed her reflection in the mirror, trying to tease her wayward locks into a trial run of the intricate style that being a bridesmaid required. She still couldn't get used to the sight of blonde hair greeting her. It was strange. Quinn shook her head, wishing that dye would somehow magically disperse with every movement, rippling like a fading mirage to reveal the pink underneath. It wasn't Quinn's choice to dye it blonde again, and she scowled. Her father laid down the law and she had grudgingly obeyed. He'd made her remove her nose ring too, at which point Quinn had considered boycotting the whole thing. _It's stupid, he only cares what his friends and co-workers think._ Quinn sighed because she thought they had moved past all that. _Something's never change; dad is still as hung up on reputation as ever._

Therefore the demands were set in stone. Pink may be Melissa's favourite, but that didn't extend to her bridesmaids' choice of hair colour. Besides, she'd said, it would clash with the dresses. Quinn conceded that, they were pistachio. It would look horrible. The dress was unflattering enough already, and as Quinn held the material against her, she felt like a Disney fairy or some kind of woodland elf. _Fucking hell, is it like some unspoken rule that the bridesmaids' have to look as hideous as possible?_ She zipped the dress back into its protective covering. She had to go pick up Rachel, there was a long drive ahead. The brunette was as chipper as ever as she lugged their suitcases into the trunk, ignoring Quinn's offers of help. Although she did a visible double-take when she noticed a strand of bright blonde hair that had struggled free of her black knitted beanie. She pulled the hat off, running her fingers through the hair; it was as though Rachel was awestruck by the transformation.

"Quinn…your hair, it's…" Rachel breathed, speechless for once.

"Do I look like a dick?" Quinn muttered irritably, feeling ridiculous.

"No, you look beautiful."

Quinn scowled, looking for any trace of mockery, but there was none. "I feel stupid, it's like he wants me to be his perfect trophy daughter again, like nothing's changed, but everything has."

"It's just hair Quinn, it's not who you are, besides you can dye it back when the wedding's over if you like." Rachel paused and Quinn wanted to ask what the brunette wanted her to do. Sensing the unasked question Rachel smiled and said, "I've grown rather used to the colour I'll admit, even fond of it. I always knew where you were, I could always see you."

Quinn smirked. That was the answer she'd been hoping for. The drive didn't last long enough. Quinn wanted to stay in the Rachel's company. The girl didn't care what she wore, the colour of her hair, or any of those things. She was still Quinn, that hadn't changed in the brunette's eyes and never would. Her father, on the other hand, she could sense his judgement before she even walked through the door. Quinn entered the building in a guarded manner, her face cautiously expressionless. He greeted her warmly, stiffening only slightly when he spied Rachel at her side. To his credit, Russell covered it well, exchanging pleasantries with Rachel. Finally, he nodded towards his daughter's hair which fell freely now, the hat long abandoned in the backseat of the car.

"You look nice honey. Let's get you two settled in." Quinn's eyes darkened at the vaguely patronising tone, but she bit her tongue and nodded. One of the many things that therapy had taught her was that if she wanted her father to accept her behaviour, she had to make concessions for his. Tolerance went both ways. _I'm trying daddy, I really am, please return the favour so that we can get through this._ It wasn't easy.

Quinn relaxed a little as they were led to their room. The prospect of spending two nights in a hotel room with Rachel was no longer daunting, she relished it. The promise of the time they had together made Quinn happy, despite the less than ideal setting. There had been a subtle shift in the dynamic of their relationship lately, Quinn had always been slightly clingy, so at first she dismissed wanting to spend all her time with Rachel, as merely a re-emergence of her old traits, but she had noticed that Rachel felt it too. The brunette seemed to echo her sentiments. When it was time for Quinn to leave, or vice versa, neither girl was eager to stay goodnight, finding excuses delaying them from having to part ways.

Quinn found herself employing such tactics right away, before they had even unpacked fully. The clock was ticking but although she had had Rachel all to herself for the duration of the drive; she wasn't in a rush to leave the comfortable seclusion of their room just yet. Her family could wait. "What do you say we order room service and eat here together, just me and you?"

"That sounds lovely, but won't they be expecting us for dinner?"

Quinn sighed. The idea of all her extended family gathered around a single table didn't bode well for a harmonious meal_. _What was expected of her was a bundle of contradictions and Quinn just wanted a few more hours' peace before chaos reigned in the morning. "Probably." She replied truthfully, "but I'm not sure I have the energy, they'll have all day tomorrow to torment me, that'll have to suffice."

Rachel frowned slightly, concern etched deep on her face. "You are alright about being here though, aren't you?" _This won't set you back will it? _Those brown eyes questioned.

"I'm sure it will be fine, you agreed to escort me, so things are already infinitely better than they could be. At least I'm not facing this alone."

. "You never have to worry about that. I'll always be here." Rachel paused, feeling slightly self-conscious. "Thanks again for inviting me." She replied with a smile. Quinn felt her own mouth arching into a grin in response. _There is nobody else I'd rather have here with me._ "Have you finished your speech? I could help you if you like."

"That's okay, it's taken care of." Quinn replied quickly.

It wasn't strictly true and she hated not being a hundred percent honest, but she couldn't risk telling the brunette what she had planned. It might all fall through. There were still hours to go she might lose her nerve. Quinn had decided that it was better than nobody knew, including Rachel, just in case. Then they couldn't be disappointed if she backed out.

The ceremony actually went without a hitch. The cynic within Quinn wanted to scoff, but the romantic side of her was deeply moved. Rachel shed tears and Quinn had to struggle not to reach for the tissues herself. _I'm going soft_ she thought, keeping her eyes trained on her father's face throughout Melissa's walk down the aisle. What she saw in his features convinced her, she was going to go do this.

When it became time for the speeches, Quinn heart was hammering in her chest, the jokes and anecdotes of the others passed her by, and she counted down the moments until her turn came. _Now, Quinn, the only daughter of the groom, would like to say a few words. _She approached the microphone, keeping her line of sight fixed on the stage, and her breathing regular. _Here goes nothing._

"Most of you know that my father and I don't see eye to eye about a lot of things and I'll be the first one to admit that I wasn't an advocate of this wedding in the beginning. Lately though, I've been doing some thinking. Experience has taught me that although life doesn't always work out the way you expect, it doesn't mean that what's happened is necessarily a mistake. It's possible that things do work out as they are meant to. Whether fate is real or not, what I'm trying to say is that, I'm happy my dad has found someone new to navigate all the twists and turns that life throws at us with him." She paused, taking a deep breath as the significance of her next actions of what she was about to do sunk in. "I've never been very good at expressing my feelings, or public speaking for that matter. I hope the lyrics of this song better communicate how I am feeling. Dad, this is for you."

Quinn began, tentatively at first. It was nerve-wracking, she hadn't sung for months, until that night a few weeks ago when the idea came to her. Practicing in her bedroom hadn't prepared her for the enormity of this task and her voice almost faltered. Quinn closed her eyes to block out the audience, determined not to stumble over a single word_._

_Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go, so make the best of this test, and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. _

When Quinnreached the chorus she felt more at ease, and the words carried strongly through the room.

_It's something unpredictable, but in the end its right. I hope you had the time of your life._

As she held the final note the room erupted in applause, but Quinn fixed her gaze solely on her father. He was smiling and Melissa was wiping away tears. _He knows how I feel now. _Quinn beamed as Russell patted her on the shoulder, the closest he came to a public display on affection. Rachel hung back, approaching only after her father had moved on.

"That was wonderful Quinn, I've really missed hearing you sing, and that song was perfect." She leaned in, talking softly so that her last sentence travelled to Quinn's ears alone. "I'm really proud of you."


	19. One step closer

**It's the final chapter. I hope you've all enjoyed reading it and I can't thank you enough for all your reviews, comments and feedback.**

**I purposely left the ending open because I think it's nice sometimes not to be spoon fed all the answers. You can use your imagination as to where they all go from here, and it leaves me the possibility to explore this world further in future….**

**I thought it only fitting that it ended as it began, so you may recognise the first sentence.**

"_**Heart beats fast, colours and promises; all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow. I have died everyday waiting for you, but time has brought your heart to me. I will be brave; I will not let anything take away what's standing in front of me. Every breath, every hour has come to this…"**_

Quinn exhaled deeply counting down the seconds. She willed the hands of the clock to move faster, never before had 30 minutes felt like an eternity. She was picking Rachel up in half an hour and she had never been more nervous. Her fingers slid through her hair for the umpteenth time, as she scrutinised her reflection again. _This feels right. _Quinn had settled for keeping the blonde largely untouched since the wedding, but it felt jarring whenever she saw herself, like the hair belonged to the girl she used to be, instead of who she was now. It felt like she was just borrowing it to keep up appearances and that wasn't what she wanted. It had been difficult to decide on what to do. Reinstating the lurid pink similarly seemed like a step backwards, she wasn't that girl who had wanted to piss off her mom and keep the world at arm's length anymore. Quinn needed something subtler, more genuine._ More me. _It had taken a while to make her mind up what that meant.

Eventually, she found the answer in an obvious place. She woke up one morning and it hit her, lying there, what the perfect solution was. The walls of her bedroom provided the inspiration; the beautiful pale blue shade that shone through. It had taken so many coats to banish the black; Quinn could still recall the ache of her arms when she was done. It was worth the effort, she still felt her mood lift whenever she walked in. That period of her life was over and channelling the newfound hopefulness of that colour into her hair seemed fitting. Quinn had spent the whole afternoon streaking it into the blonde, covering the tips and now she waited for the transformation to be made public. Quinn smiled; it was just the right amount of contrast. _It's just hair _Rachel had said, but it wasn't. This was another fresh start, it seemed more real than the previous attempts and Quinn knew why. _I'm ready. _ She was doing this for herself instead of somebody else for a change. _That's how I'll make it stick this time._

It had felt like she had been holding her breath ever since she had asked Rachel on a date and now that it was going ahead she could finally exhale. _I still can't believe she said yes._ She drove over to the Berry residence and sprung out eagerly, bouncing on the balls of her feet as she reached to ring the bell. _I'm such a fucking cliché. _For once she didn't care. She didn't have to try and act cool and tough anymore, she could be a loser if she liked, Rachel didn't mind, she never had. She just wanted her to be herself and Quinn felt like she not only knew who that was at last, but she was prepared to own it. _If I can make a dinosaur like my dad see things differently, then anything is possible._

"Hi Rachel." She took the other girl's hand and in one sweeping movement, led her to the waiting car. "You look beautiful." Quinn stated, slightly breathless. She had stopped to open the door for her date and was able to appraise Rachel properly. She really did look stunning. Her shiny brown hair was fashioned into perfect ringlets that framed her face adorably and the simple black dress she had chosen was effortlessly elegant. Quinn smiled, not having opted for the colour herself this evening. Instead, in a role reversal, she was favouring a more cheerfully patterned dress to compliment both her new hair and happier outlook.

"Thank you." Rachel responded quietly. The brunette's hands rose to Quinn's tresses, smiling, tousling the loose waves. "_This_, I like." Quinn smiled bashfully, but for once, didn't blush. She started the car, excited and nervous for the night ahead. It was a dizzying mixture and she had to focus on looking straight ahead in order for them to get there in one piece. Butterflies filled her stomach and it was like the first time all over again.

"Are we crazy?" Rachel asked quietly.

Quinn stole a glance at her, trying to communicate a thousand unspoken things. _Are you having second thoughts? _She wondered. She took her one hand off the steering wheel and placed it over Rachel's. "Probably, but that doesn't mean we're wrong." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "Rach, you know the best and the worst of me. Anger, tears, laughter, we've been through it all and we still want to be together don't we? If that's not crazy I don't know what is, but it's also true love, I'm sure of it."

Rachel nodded. "It's the only thing I know for certain, that I love you." She smiled. "If life has taught me anything it's that you can't miss out on something that could be great just because it might also be hard." It had been a long time since Quinn had heard those 3 words _I love you_ and she let them sink in, the comfort stilling her nerves and wrapping it's warmth around her, keeping the butterflies at bay. The belief behind the words was reassurance enough for Quinn.

The date wasn't extravagant. Quinn didn't fly Rachel to Paris or write her sonnets, it was just dinner, but it seemed just right somehow. It was something they had done many times before, in lots of variations, so it wasn't treading any new ground, but it felt poles apart nonetheless. Expectation was heavy in the air, though it didn't feel suffocating this time, it felt hopeful. There was none of the old doubts or fears that had plagued their relationship; everything was out in the open, both their hearts laid bare. They had talked about all their fears and worries in the weeks following the wedding. Those frank discussions were the reason that they were able to sit here now, eager to take the next step. Quinn could chalk that up to therapy; it showed her that total honesty, although sometimes brutal, was better than the lies and half-truths that she had hidden behind and grown used to. Before, she had never really opened up and the future was a dirty word that they were both afraid to let pass their lips. It had been a relief to finally speak about her greatest concern.

Quinn had always assumed when they were dating last year that she would blindly follow Rachel to New York. That was still the plan, but it was more than just riding on the brunette's coat tails this time around. They would be together because it was right move for both of them, not just because they were scared to be apart. There were a lot of good schools in New York and Quinn had dreams of her own now. She wasn't afraid to chase them or worried that Rachel's would leave her behind as her star burned brighter. They were both different people, stronger, surer of what they wanted and that could only be a good thing.

Quinn could sense the anticipation flooding through her body as the hours ticked by. She didn't want this to end. _Not ever._ That didn't seem like such a fragile pipedream now. _We can do this. _Kissing Rachel goodnight only cemented that in her mind. New York wasn't the end, not this time, it was just another chapter. Quinn stood on the porch for a moment after Rachel had gone inside. She glanced up at the sky, and the familiar stars. Her gaze didn't linger. She didn't have to search for hope in the heavens. The possibilities of shooting stars held no sway for her, she had what she desired, it was up to her to make sure that all her dreams came true now._ I can be there to help and support Rachel when she actualises her ambitions too._ That was a promise that Quinn intended to keep.

She approached her house cautiously, avoiding turning on the outside light, anxious not to spoil a wonderful night with an ill-timed altercation with her mother. The downturn in their relationship was a sore point for Quinn. Everything else seemed to be falling into place since the wedding, but it had served to create only distance between her and her mom. _I'm not giving up. _Using her cell phone to illuminate the way, she was reminded to text Rachel. She fired out a quick message, resisting the temptation to be hopelessly soppy. _Thanks again for tonight. Sweet dreams xx_ The brunette responded immediately and Quinn grinned as she read. _How could my dreams be anything other after such a perfect evening? Thank YOU Quinn. Goodnight._ She was missing Rachel already, but sighed happily at the thought of seeing her again in next to no time.

"Quinn?" She looked up sharply, almost stumbling in her surprise at hearing that voice. It was a shock to find anyone on her front step at that time of night, much less Santana, who she recognised even in the shadows. _I'd know her anywhere. _Quinn turned the light on then, irrespective of her mother. Judy would most likely be dead to the world anyway. Santana stood up awkwardly from her seat on the step and they faced each other, the Latina's heels made the height difference less obvious, and Quinn wondered if she had chosen them for that reason.

"Santana, it's kind of late, what are you doing here, are you okay?" Quinn asked softly when it didn't look like the other girl would speak. Santana shuffled nervously, her gaze fixed at floor level.

"I've been waiting for you." She mumbled, "I just wanted to… It hasn't been easy for me, I've been spiralling and I know I've been a bitch. I've been horrible. You hurt me badly but some of the things I did, especially to Berry, well, there's no excuse. I'm going to apologise to the midget, I swear, but I needed to see you first, to tell you…"

Quinn opened her mouth to speak but Santana silenced her with a gentle wave of her hand. She moved closer, her stance more relaxed, which in turn, made Quinn settle down. She was no longer on edge waiting for an argument to flare up. The Latina continued. "I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive you, but give me time, I'm getting there. I've met someone and its put things into perspective, you know? You can't control who you love. Neither of us meant for things to happen like they did so I'm trying to let go of my anger over things I cannot change." Quinn surveyed the other girl, she did she seem different. She seemed lighter somehow now that the hostility was disappearing. It was nice to see. Santana paused, smirking. "It kills me to say this you were right about a lot of things. I will hunt you down if you ever tell anyone I told you this but, I started going to therapy and it's actually helped a lot."

Quinn grinned. _Look at us two, Dr Monroe's very own poster children. _She hadn't exactly been a fan of therapy either in the beginning, but it had really worked for her and she was glad that Santana was getting something beneficial out of it too. _It really is good to talk. _In the spirit of the circumstances she decided to be brave. After all, it must have taken Santana a lot of guts to come to her door. "Tell me to fuck off if you like, if it's too soon, but I'm going to ask anyway…" Quinn cleared her throat and allowed herself to feel hopeful. It was more intimidating than asking Rachel for a date, but she persevered. "Would you like to go for a coffee with me sometime? I've really missed you San." The other girl looked like she was going to refuse for a moment, but she eventually nodded and Quinn squealed cheerfully.

"No hugs, okay?" Santana warned, although her tone warm and almost playful and that made Quinn happier than any hug. It was a glimpse of the old Santana and Quinn was encouraged. She nodded; grinning as she slowly unlocked the door. "I'll call you." Santana replied softly, walking away into the darkness.

Quinn went inside and got ready for bed, her spirits raised higher than they had dared to soar for the longest time. Life wasn't perfect, and most likely never would be, but she still had plenty of reasons to be happy. She went to her bedside drawer, where she easily located the object that she was looking for. She drew out the ring by the long chain that it was attached to, her fingers lingering over the prominent engraving by force of habit ._Fireworks, I felt them again tonight. _It felt like a good omen. Quinn slipped the necklace back on, savouring the sharp coldness of the metal against her skin. It was soothing, knowing that soon it would be warmed and feel as much a part of her as the beating heart that it brushed against.

This had become a nightly ritual ever since she had brought the jewellery back into her possession. She allowed herself to wonder more about the inscription. Maybe it wasn't solely about chemistry or meaningful kisses. It struck her that possibly it meant more and it was really them as people who embodied the characteristics of fireworks. Maybe it was those traits that would really last a lifetime. Quinn thought of the petite brunette. Rachel could definitely be awe-inspiring, romantic, beautiful and memorable. She was all those things, and no matter what, just like on the 4th of July, Quinn would never tire of watching the show. _I hope that the fireworks never end._


End file.
